Workouts 06'

Ok, I'm embarrassed; I lifted weights 56 times in 2006....ONE more time than 2005. WTF? Ok, seriously, I mean it this time...I'll break the 100 barrier in 2007 AND I'll document all of my workouts (not just the lifting, but the running and boxing as well). Whole new leaf, baby...whole new leaf ;)

Happy New Years, ya' drunk bastids!!

To my friends with whom I shared libations over the course of 2006:

Bomber!! Have another one, ya' drunk bastid!
HTE, whassup?...how you doin' tonight, ya' drunk bastid?
SnS, how's it goin? Havin' a few drinks tonight, ya' drunk bastid?
Harding....what'choo doin' dog?? Ah...libations, ya' drunk bastid!
Ball? You awake? You drunk bastid, you puked all over ya' shoes!!
GW....You're not drinking SoCo on New Years, are you, ya' drunk bastid?!?
Chappy, I don't think Tequila is the best option for you right now, ya' drunk bastid!

To any and all other drunk bastids that I missed on this list (because I'm too lazy to write out all the names), I say the same to you as well: Happy New Years, ya' drunk bastids!! Me?!?! Drunk?? Nope...I'm as sober as the day I was born....no, wait...I'm lying...I had a few while I was watching the game, and then some more at dinner. Now that I think about it, I might be a drunk bastid....Happy New Years to me, too!!

Yes, I work from home...

OK, so I've made a Top 5 list of all the REALLY FUNNY (and by "REALLY FUNNY", I mean "REALLY UNFUNNY, EXTREMELY REPETITIVE") work-at-home jokes/insults that I've heard over the last 5 years:

1. "Hags doesn't even need to shower" or my favorite, "Hags doesn't shower" (this one wins the "most often used" award)
2. "Hags walks around naked all day" (this one wins the "most accurate" award...just kidding...mostly)
3. "Hags only works for, like, an hour a day"
4. "Hags looks at porn all day"
5. "Hags sits around playing his guitar all day"

Let's do something fun, shall we? Go through the list, and say each one out loud in your best Bobcat Goldthwait delivery. Now repeat it 2000 more times. Was that fun? No?!?! Good, now you know how I feel. Yes, I work from home. Yes, my work environment is probably a little different that what you're used to. And "Yes!", these jokes have gotten repetitive. Next time you get the urge, jump on the Ole' HagBag, and read these out loud in the privacy of your home. Trust me, it's better off this way...unless you want me to come to your office and make lame jokes about your job whenever you pass water cooler. Is that what you want? I didn't think so. Thanks!

From the office/home gym/bedroom of Hags.
cc: Hags

Caution: Reading blogs may cause projectile vomiting

So T and I were watching TV last night, and one of those "pharmaceutical" commercials came on (I can't remember exactly what they were pushing a cure for...sorry). I was kidding and said something along the lines of "Using XYZ may cause urinary bleeding, prolonged diarrhea, and erectile dysfunction". T thought that was funny, and added a few of her own. Well, lo-and-behold, at the end of the commercial, the disclaimer began; to my surprise, one of the conditions was "In a few patients, fatal events may occur". FATAL EVENTS??!?!? Um...do you mean "DEATH MAY OCCUR" or "THIS PILL CAN KILL YOU"?? T and I were sitting there joking about the obligatory overly-descriptive disclaimer, and they went and upped the ante on us. Then I started thinking: Why didn't they say "DEATH MAY OCCUR" rather than "FATAL EVENT"? Here's my theory: If we get right down the brass tacks, the reason that they worded it in this manner is to 1)maximize their profits, and 2) decrease their liability. Lessen the liability by stating that their product may cause a "fatal event"...sure, they HAVE to state this BY LAW, that makes senses...but maximize their profits? Well, my theory is that they word it in this manner because at some point, someone will read the disclaimer in it's current form, not fully comprehend the meaning, and proceed with their fatal purchase of XYZ. How could someone not know what a "fatal event" refers to? DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THE IGNORANCE OF THE AVERAGE CITIZEN!!! Sure, you're sitting there reading this right now, college shingle on the wall, feeling pretty good about yourself, but if you think...REALLY think hard...I bet you can remember someone from your past (or your present!) that fits this bill (ex: not-so-bright co-worker, language-challenged neighbor, oft-drunk college buddy, etc, etc). Anyway, the wording for this commercial struck me as disingenuous and purposely veiled AT BEST. The lesson here is "Always read your labels, check your instructions, and report your 14-hour boner to your doctor, you pervert".

Have any old Master Locks lying around?

I did, and thanks to this little post, I was able to determine the combo (yes, this actually works!!):


How To Crack A Combination Lock - video powered by Metacafe

For those about to rock...

WE SALUTE YOU!! I'm in a really psyched out, AngusJohnsonScott mood. I don't know what it is, but AC/DC just makes me want to actually slam my head into a wall, but in a really good way, you know (i.e. it gets the ole' blood flowing..knowwhadImeen?)? And I've never been more psyched than this weekend, when I FINALLY bought my new guitars (I haven't decided on their names yet....any ideas??). For those not in the know, I've been playing guitar for the last 7 years, and I've been playing on my starter boxes for this entire time (a Korean-made Fender and a Washburn acoustic/electric). I've wanted to buy 2 new guitars for the longest time, but I kept putting it off. I went back and fourth, for 4 YEARS, trying to save the money, trying to find comparable knock-offs, trying to justify the purchase: I'm sorta going through a finance fanaticism at this point in my life, buckling down, saving for retirement (no, I'm not that old)...and I get serious buyer's remorse when everI buy expensive stuff. I digress...anyway, on a whim, I went to go take a look at some guitars this weekend.

For the longest time, I'd been leaning towards buying a Seagull S6 for an acoustic guitar, and an Agile Gibson rip-off for the electric (and by "the longest time", as I mentioned, I mean "years"). I sat down and played a few of the Seagull S6's and M6's, but found this really sweet Seagull Artist that just sounded so damn nice...for the price, I couldn't resist. As I was ringing up my purchase, I mentioned to the salesguy (a hip Brit named Amos, Ray Mullins Music in Swansea) if he had ever heard of Agile, that they had a good reputation for Korean-made Gibson take-offs, to which he replied "No, but c'mere and check this out". He proceeded to plug in and play this sweet lil' Gibson Studio that sounded so damn big. I took a few minutes to rip on er', and the decision was made on the spot (after conferring with T-Reno and getting a good deal): I would buy both guitars!!! Normally, something this impulsive would send me into fits of guilt, but the pangs have subsided, and I'm totally F'ing pleased with my decisions. Quite frankly, there wasn't much guilt at all, because I waited so damn long for this.....oh yeah, sweet release.

I'm Qualified to Vote!!!

Are you qualified to vote? I am, so I will (just kidding, in that I was going to vote anyway...disregarding the results of this highly scientific exam):













I'm embarrassed to admit that I got two questions wrong (both for the same person: I guessed the wrong guy, but the right position for the wrong guy...which still equals 2 wrong answers). If you really want to know, I'll tell you which one, but I don't want to ruin it for everyone else (they were the second hardest questions on the test, so I don't feel all that bad...I got the hardest questions correct). It's disconcerting to note that most people can identify the actors, but a large majority of people cannot identify the Speaker of the House, or a Supreme Judge. Now...back to something a little more important....Where did I place my Hot Pocket?? Hello...where are you, you tender pepperoni pastry of the Gods?!? Where the....Ooops...I'm sitting on it.......it's still good....and warm.....mmmm.....good and warm.

What the?? Who the? Why the?

What is that? That, my friends, is the Chicago Bell, and it tolls for thee. Alert the troops, warn the citizens, batten down the hatches, seal the doors, take your Malox, and follow me...we're headed back. It's been 8 months, my hangover is gone, and I'm ready to give it 'nother go. It reminds me of a Haiku I once wrote about the City of Winds:

Fickle friend, indeed.
Beers one night, headaches the rest.
Et Tu, Chicago?

I'm in TX...surrounded!

I don't know when it happened...but I'm officially a politics geek. And it's never been more apparent than during my current stay in Texas. At each meal with my coworkers, I find myself biting my tongue during many conversations because of their clear right-wing leanings. Am I surprised? NO...I AM IN TEXAS. What surprises me is my own awareness of the current political environment and the issues. If you had asked me 4 years ago about politics, I would've passed on the convo, babe. But now, I feel so strongly about the issues...what's happening to me? Did I also mention that I yelled at the neighbors' kid a few weeks back for hitting a car with a golf ball? Am I officially an old man, now?

Btw: I had the pleasure of spending the past few days with 2 gentlemen from China, and wow, what a perspective! 1.3 million people in Beijing!!!! We did discuss US politics for a few minutes, and the question that stick with me was "why is the US so aggressive?". I didn't ask him the same question about China...but I thought it was interesting that this was his perception...not that I totally disagree. Anyway....in the airport, bored, tired, frustrated (flight delayed), thumbs tired. I need a new cellphone with a full keyboard and a camera.

Bbtw: I saw the strangest thing yesterday...we were driving back from lunch, and a woman I work with said "do you guys see what I see?" (which was funny, because it sounded like she couldn't believe her eyes). There, riding down the residential neighborhood street, was a bearded older gentlemen riding a unicycle....JUGGLING!!! No circus. No elephants. No parade. Just him...juggling. At which point I said "if I had a dollar for everytime I saw that", maintaining a jovial upbeat appearance....whilst actually thinking "THAT WAS F'ING EERIE!!!". Nightmares, I tells ya...nightmares. Highly unlikely this guy's getting laid, though, right?

WTF?? My format!!!

Sorry about the formatting...looks like combo of using Google Docs and Blogger screwed up my overall layout. I'll re-work it in the near future, but until then, you'll have to deal.

Update: FIXED

There's TWO "Gaps" on this website: Can you find them?

Have you ever wanted to grab someone by their collar, and throttle them? Have you ever gotten off the phone with a co-worker, and screamed from the top of your lungs "FFFFFFUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!"??? Have you ever donned the "1000-mile stare" as you leave a business meeting, impossible to comprehend the incompetence surrounding you? I've worked at technology companies for the last 8 years; this is my life...welcome to flavor-country, friends. Over this period, I've witnessed (or been privy to) an encyclopedic volume of blunders the likes of which no man should have to endure. However, faithful reader (you would need to be faithful to read this...I've been MIA for awhile here) there are things that make all of this worth-while. No, these are not highlights that I recite for you; no, no...these are the funny low-lights that will stick with me forever. Anyone can recite sales victories; it's the warts and moles that legends make. Here's my Top 8 (I'll add 2 more if I can think of them):

8) A Co-worker installing central air-conditioning in his home, and getting reimbursed for it, because a Windows server was making his basement too hot.
7) A client describing his personal, home-based, TERABYTE of porn.
6) Using the phrase "like a red-headed stepchild" to a red-headed co-worker...before noticing said employee had a "red head"....(Ok, I admit, this one was me...I apologized immediately, and she laughed it off)
5) A co-worker consistently using the word "EX-pecially" in front of clients. Yes...all the time.
4) A drunk UK-based co-worker performing a strip tease in front of a company event.
3) A co-worker chewing tobacco during a client meeting (AND spitting in the cup)...classic internet bubble story.
2) Discovery of shared-drive nude photos of a co-worker (placed there by said co-worker for posting to various websites).
1) A VP-maintained, publically accessible porn server, and the accompanying email from concerned parents.

Andy

This is our dog Andy. His best qualities (not in order):

1) He sits, stays, heels, etc on command
3) He doesn't do his "business" in our house OR in our yard (he goes about behind the back fence)
4) He says "I love you" on command
5) He's very gentle with my daughter
6) He farts whenever he stretches (it's hilarious)
7) He watches TV (he loves Animal Planet)
8) He's a very handsome dog (excellent markings, for a pound dog)
9) He loves to play with anyone (he's loveable with everyone, but especially so with my family)
10) He was FREE (adoption dog)

His worst qualities (not in order, and they're not really that bad)

1) He get up VERY early (5am...he wants his food)
2) He sheds like a maniac
3) He's very big (he weighs 113lbs...not really a negative, in my eyes, but some people are intimidated by him)
4) He loves sleeping with us in our bed...not good, no. Try kicking a 113lb dog out of bed (actually, he does so on command)
5) He farts whenever he stretches (His farts STINK)
6) He can be a bit of a food-whore (He never takes food from the table, but he'll watch for your floor droppings like hawk)

All in all, his best and worst qualities make Andy who he is, and we love him for all his idiosyncracies. Did I mention he was FREE? If you want a dog, think about adopting (we saved Andy from a kill-shelter via an adoption agency).

DRM - This is getting ridiculous!!!

I've officially been affected by "Digital Rights Management"...the "Man" is coming down on me, and I don't like it one bit. Now, the "Man" is saying that you can't post guitar tabs online. For those that don't know what a "guitar tab" is, here goes: you listen to music, guess what chords and notes are played, write it all down, and post it online. I've used this site for years, and I loved it...it was a major contributor to me learning how to play (bad) guitar. Too bad...I guess it's time to retire to my room, replay the first 5 notes to Stairway, and wait for my RFID chip implant.

Working from Home: Pro or Con?

Well, it's been a while since I last posted. What can I say? When you work in "The Office of Solitude", you don't really have much to banter about. With that said, here's a somewhat related thread that I ran into. I agree with some of what these people are saying, but at the end of the day, the postives of working from home FAR outweigh the negatives. Hmmm, let's see, according to this forum, the negative are as follows:

SLEEP LATE
WORK LESS
NO PEOPLE TO TALK TO
NO OFFICE TO GO TO

Wait...these are negatives??!?!?? Take it from someone who's worked both angles...nothing is better than working at home. If you have NO willpower what-so-ever when it comes to time management (similiar to how I have no willpower when it comes caramel-covered popcorn w/ cashews), then you probably shouldn't work from home. However, if you have better-than-average time management skills and you can make your deadlines, then this is a no-brainer. I haven't had to sit around the watercooler in almost 5 years...and I don't miss a second of it (the gossipy BS, that it). Sure, I miss going out for a few beers after work and the impromptu hallway meetings where many good ideas are conceived...but, I certainly enjoy working out, not commuting, and saving gas money SO much more. The gas money alone is worth my sanity:

25 miles (to work) x 2 (both ways) = 50 miles per day
Estimated Car consumption = 20 miles per gallon (on a good day, probably more like 16-18)
50 miles/day * 1 gallon/20 miles = 2.5 gallons per day
2.5 gallons/day * $2.10/gallon = $5.25 per day
$5.25 * 245 day (subtracting 3 weeks vacation) = $1286.25/year

OR

Average monthly savings of ~ $107.18, which compounded monthly at 5% over 30 years, totals $89,209.80!!! Just for S&G's, 10% totals $242,279.10!!!!

So yeah, after 30 years, I might not have a horde of work compadres, but I can certainly make a few friends with a big ole' party, right? Now, after all that, ask me if I'm actually saving my gas money :)

BTW: Shout out, Chappy!

Wiffleball

Open challenge: anytime Squirrelly...anytime. We're waiting.

My White Whale

We were discussing take-out food preferences this weekend, and the topic of "the best pizza" came up. Out of 10 pizzas from our local shop (10 separate orders), on the average we usually end up receiving 8 mediocre pizzas, 1 soggy POS, and 1 REALLY good pizza (thin crust, cheese slighty browned, perfect texture, etc, etc). My wife would rather go to Betucci's, where the pizza is normally pretty good, but never great. Whereas I'm willing to suffer through all the bad pizza for that one really good pizza. I will note that beer and pizza are 2 foods that I'm willing to concede a wide margin of error to...you can't really screw it up so badly that I won't eat or drink it. I can remember the worst pizza that I ever tasted, and I think I had 3-4 slices. I'm a fighter, baby...a pizza pugilist.

Don't go head-buttin' that umpire, again!

I once worked with a guy who believed that dinosaurs never existed...and "No", his name was not "Carl Everett". He's a "Fundamentalist Christian", and he believes in the literal interpretation of the Bible. We discussed our religious views over beers one evening, and he tried to sell me on the theory that "dinosaur bones were/are planted by Pro-Evolutionist Scientists & the innaccuracies associated with Carbon-Dating". I'm not going to go into the details of our conversation (or Creationism, Intellectual Design, or Evolution) but I left the restaurant thinking "WTF??!??!?" How could someone as intellectual and personable and likeable believe in something so out of whack from my own beliefs? I guess I was surprised at my own lack of worldliness....that I'm living in my own little reality where everything is what it is: blue is blue, black is black, a duck is a duck. It never even registered on my radar that there could possibly be people in the world that believe in Noah's Ark, or Adam and Eve, or David and Goliath, or the Energizer Bunny, or the Grinch (these are Bible stories, right? Ok, so my agnostic side shows through a bit). These were always parables to me...not based on facts, but something from whichI could possibly learn a lesson from. That's it...that's all. Nothing earth-shattering in this entry....just thought I'd let you know that there are people out there who believe in some shit that might be totally different from your shit, and you'll be like "Holy Shit!!".

Belly of the Beast.

I'm in NY tonight...during a Red Sox/Yankees game.....I'm in enemy territory here, folks. I'll be infiltrating a bar, and performing some recon (eating, drinking, cheering). GO SOX!!!!

Finally!! My email accounts in one window!

Ok, so I have 4 email accounts: work, Hotmail, Yahoo, and Gmail. Yes, I use them all:

• Work Outlook: I use this account for work-related emails (duh). I never use this account for personal use (and I suggest you do the same with yours...big brother is always watching)
• Hotmail: I use this account for registration on low-risk sites (by low-risk, I'm referring to the risk of getting any spam.....phone company, mobile carrier, etc, etc...basically, for any company that I might actually want an occasional spam from)
• Yahoo: I use this account for high-risk registration (beta sites, coupons, etc, etc...anything that I know I'll get spammed on)
• Gmail: Personal emails between known recipients.

It's taken a while for me to devise a way to access all of these accounts from one page, but here goes:

Pageflakes + BittyBrowser = one stop shopping for all my email accounts!! I used the following URLS for each of the accounts:

Hotmail: http://mobile.msn.com/hm/folder.aspx

Gmail: http://m.gmail.com For some reason, this URL does not work with IE, but DOES play nicely with Firefox (which I use on my personal machine). Because I use IE on my work laptop, I've also included the Gmail Flake that's available with PageFlakes. The screen shot above uses the plain HTML version of Gmail (login to Gmail, switch it over to the basic HTML view, and use that URL), which I don't use anymore.

Yahoo: http://wap.oa.yahoo.com/?dp=mail

Outlook: Open your outlook in a browser. Then determine the URL for the mail frame (easily done with Forefox). Obviously, this URL will be different for every corporation.

Have fun!