Thursday, February 16, 2006

Simpson's did it!

I saw an episode eerily similar to this on the Simpson's once. Hilarity ensued:

Skinner: Well, I was wrong. The lizards are a godsend.
Lisa: But isn't that a bit short-sighted? What happens when we're overrun by lizards?
Skinner: No problem. We simply release wave after wave of Chinese needle snakes. They'll wipe out the lizards.
Lisa: But aren't the snakes even worse?
Skinner: Yes, but we're prepared for that. We've lined up a fabulous type of gorilla that thrives on snake meat.
Lisa: But then we're stuck with gorillas!
Skinner: No, that's the beautiful part. When wintertime rolls around, the gorillas simply freeze to death.

Alright know what to do...RELEASE THE GORILLAS (or needle snakes, THEN GORILLAS)!!!!!

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Funny Quote

Campman had a hilarious quote this afternoon while we were emailing about this little gem (you gotta try to get past level 3 to get the joke):

"Oh yeah, I'm sitting close to the screen thinking, oh I got this bitch...I'm working the scroll button on my mouse to cheat up on the shoot...and BAM out comes the poop"

Guess what I'm eating!!!

(cue cheesy 70's game show music)

Announcer: Clean out your ears and index your pantry; it's America newest game show!!

(Audience Shouts): GUESS WHAT I'M EATING!!!

Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, let's put our hands together for everybody's favorite host to "Guess What I'm Eating"......The Hag!!!!

The Hag: Welcome back to America's favorite game show, Guess What I'm Eating. I'm your host, The Hag, and we've got a great show for you today. The rules are simple to Guess What I'm Eating: Guess what I'm eating. Is everybody ready? Great...let's begin:

Guess what I'm eating!!

My Olympic Overview

Bob beat me to the punch on his Olympic observations, but here are a few of my own:

1) Why does figure skating have to be so damn feminine?? It could really be a super-kickass sport if they could integrate more KungFu/Stipper-pole maneuvers into it (the girls are half naked anyway...stop teasing us). I was watching some of the mixed pairs last night, and I said to T, "Why does every outfit have to look like it was borrowed from the NutCracker?". If I was a male figureskater (which I don't see happening in the near future), I would demand that my outfit be one of the following:
  • Hulk Hogan, full-on 80's regalia.
  • Frank Drebin, Police Squad (with the requisite Japanese fighting fish attached to my nose)
  • Carl Spackler, licence to kill gophers.
  • A feces-throwing monkey. (it doesn't have to be REAL feces.......all of the time)
  • A stereotypical Italian chef, complete with a big poofy hat, a dirty mustache, and one of those gigantic pizza-oven shovels (they're in Italy, right?).
2) I make a lot of veiled (and not so veiled) sexual references whenever I watch figure skating. T has to be sick of the Olympics by now:
  • "He's gonna pork her, Dad"
  • "You are now carrying my child"
  • "Oh, they're totally 69'ing"
  • "Uh, Dude...your balls are showing"
  • "Whoa...he just gave her the Shocker!!"
  • "I think she just farted"
  • "Where's his girlfriend or wife to congratulate him?" (sarcastically, whenever a male skater comes off the ice)
3) I've said "US athletes are SO smarmy" at least 50 times thus far. Why? Because it's true, and because I like saying "smarmy" more than "unctuous" (both are fun words). Honestly, I can't stand the smugness of our quote from my childhood, "I want to wipe that look right off of their faces".

4) I'm embarrassed to look at Apollo Ohno's face...he's got a landing strip under his chin.

5) I LOVE it when people fall down or crash...if it didn't happen, I wouldn't watch the Winter Olympics at all (I don't watch the Summer Olympics...and that's probably why). I actually root for them to that wrong??

6) Bob Costas wears a toupee, right? No one's hairline goes back THAT far. I can see the headline now: "Costas straps wig to luge; takes silver medal".

7) Nothing is more pleasing than when a French athlete performs poorly (Actually, French-Canadian failures are cool, too). Aside from the French, does anyone actually root for these guys? Nuf' sed.

8) "...And the Ginger Medal has just been awarded to Shaun White!" Make the evil clown go away, Mommy (Is that Pauly Shore in the background?? I think it is....buuuuudddy!).