My Olympic Overview

Bob beat me to the punch on his Olympic observations, but here are a few of my own:

1) Why does figure skating have to be so damn feminine?? It could really be a super-kickass sport if they could integrate more KungFu/Stipper-pole maneuvers into it (the girls are half naked anyway...stop teasing us). I was watching some of the mixed pairs last night, and I said to T, "Why does every outfit have to look like it was borrowed from the NutCracker?". If I was a male figureskater (which I don't see happening in the near future), I would demand that my outfit be one of the following:

• Hulk Hogan, full-on 80's regalia.
  
• Frank Drebin, Police Squad (with the requisite Japanese fighting fish attached to my nose)
• Carl Spackler, licence to kill gophers.
  
• A feces-throwing monkey. (it doesn't have to be REAL feces.......all of the time)
  
• A stereotypical Italian chef, complete with a big poofy hat, a dirty mustache, and one of those gigantic pizza-oven shovels (they're in Italy, right?).

2) I make a lot of veiled (and not so veiled) sexual references whenever I watch figure skating. T has to be sick of the Olympics by now:

• "He's gonna pork her, Dad"
  
• "You are now carrying my child"
  
• "Oh, they're totally 69'ing"
  
• "Uh, Dude...your balls are showing"
  
• "Whoa...he just gave her the Shocker!!"
• "I think she just farted"
  
• "Where's his girlfriend or wife to congratulate him?" (sarcastically, whenever a male skater comes off the ice)
  

3) I've said "US athletes are SO smarmy" at least 50 times thus far. Why? Because it's true, and because I like saying "smarmy" more than "unctuous" (both are fun words). Honestly, I can't stand the smugness of our contenders...to quote from my childhood, "I want to wipe that look right off of their faces".

4) I'm embarrassed to look at Apollo Ohno's face...he's got a landing strip under his chin.

5) I LOVE it when people fall down or crash...if it didn't happen, I wouldn't watch the Winter Olympics at all (I don't watch the Summer Olympics...and that's probably why). I actually root for them to fall...is that wrong??

6) Bob Costas wears a toupee, right? No one's hairline goes back THAT far. I can see the headline now: "Costas straps wig to luge; takes silver medal".

7) Nothing is more pleasing than when a French athlete performs poorly (Actually, French-Canadian failures are cool, too). Aside from the French, does anyone actually root for these guys? Nuf' sed.

8) "...And the Ginger Medal has just been awarded to Shaun White!" Make the evil clown go away, Mommy (Is that Pauly Shore in the background?? I think it is....buuuuudddy!).