Stand-up Bit...

HTE called me the other day to bounce a new joke idea off me. Awhile back, HTE and I started writing stand-up comedy routines, but neither of us have taken the next step and "gone live". Mine's VERY hacky (did you ever notice?...who are these people?), and needs a lot of work, but I'm going to paste it here anyway:

Have you ever noticed that companies these days try to fit in every single racial/minority category into their advertising? Macdonalds is the worst. Their placemats look like they were designed by the United Nations: They've got a black customer walking into the store, a Hispanic girl at the register, a 95 year old man washing the floors, an Asian woman cleaning the windows, a mentally retarded kid spraying the lettuce, and a deaf/mute American Indian working the drive thru. I mean C'mon, do I really need to know how to sign Navajo just to order a Big Mac these days?? I've got an idea, why don't they figure out how to make my fries taste like they weren't boiled in ass, THEN we'll work on the whole "World Peace Thing", OK?

Did you hear that Macdonald recently shut down all of it restaurants in Bolivia? I didn't even realize that Bolivia had the infrastructure to support a chain of McDonalds? Quite frankly, I didn't even know they had paved roads in Bolivia, because I've never been there. Maybe they don't?!? Maybe people were swinging from vine to vine just to get there. Of course, that's probably why MacDonalds decided to leave...have you ever seen a greasy fatso try to swing from a vine?

Have you ever had one of those really awkward situations where you run into an old girlfriend or boyfriend, and you try to impress them with how wonderful your life is since their gone? "So...how have you been?" "I've been super...I'm dating a lawyer" "Things are going great....Sally is a model". Have you ever wondered what that must've been like for Ghandi's ex-girlfriends? (Indian Accent) "So Asha, how are things going for you?" "Oh...things are great....I'm dating...(awkward pause) Jesus."

All men think about is sex. All we think about are the many permutations of how we can siutate ourselves where we MIGHT POSSIBLY POTENTIALLY be able to have sex. It's in our systems, and we can't control it...it's ingrained. For instance, the other day I was walking down the street, and I saw the hottest blonde I've ever seen coming the other way. When she passed, I thought to myself 'Man, I bet those legs go all the way up!"......WHERE DID THAT COME FROM??? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? Wouldn't it be horrifying if her legs DIDN't go all the way up!! You take her home, you have a few drinks, things get hot and heavy, she takes off her dress, and she has 2 real feet and a pair of fake legs! "My legs don't go all the way up".

I tried to spice things up in the bedroom the other night, so I told my wife I wanted to try doggie-style. She said "Sure", whacked me in the face with a rolled up newspaper, and made me sleep outside.

I couldn't afford a laptop, so I invented the crotch-bottom. I can now read my email from anywhere in the world, but I refuse respond because I don't want to touch the keyboard.

I installed a dog whistle on my vacuum cleaner. My floors are clean, but my lawn is destroyed.