Ronald McDevil

After partaking of a few libations at The Tap on a recent evening, T, Bomber, and I decided to grab a quick late-night snack...this incident will forever be referred to as "The McDonald's Affair". Here is what I ordered for myself:

1 1/4 Pounder with Cheese: 510 calories
1 Large Fry: 520 calories
1 10 piece nugget: 420 calories

Oh, and here is what I ordered, AND ate because Bomber passed out on the couch (I couldn't let it go cold, right??):

1 Large Fry: 520 calories
1 6 piece nugget: 250 calories

Within the span of 10 minutes, I consumed a total of 2220 calories!!!! In retrospect, this was a very unhealthy thing to do, yes? But HOT DAMN, was it tasty!! The fries were all "Yo man...we're hot and salty...you can't say no!!". And the nuggets were all "Mmmm....we're good". And they weren't lying...

The next time I'm hungry after drinking a few brewskies, it's all salad and rice cakes baby. Salad and rice cakes.

Greensleeves Remix - Redux

Ok, the Greensleeves link actually works now (Openomy's going through some growing pains). In any case, yes, that's me playing the ole' geetar, and yes, I laid down that block-rockin', bass thumpin' beat using Hammerhead. Triple threat, I am not: If you could picture my voice, it would look like an injured dog with one of those lamp-shade thingys on it's head. But the ladys love the Greensleeves...am I right? C'mon T...you love it....right?

Ok....drinkin.

Bombs is WAY drunk. HTE bought him another beer, and he's teetering.

No pussy weekend!!

I will not be a pussy when I visit chi in march. I will stay up late, not take naps...this I promise you, faithful reader!!

Bob's bobs on knobs

My sister-in-law (who from this day forward will be know as Salty N' Sweet...or SnS) purchased me a fantastic Carlton Fisk Red Sox jersey for Christmas at Bob's. Great gift...truly great, except that it was one size too big (XXL??? Hello? I'm big, but not THAT big!). Not a big deal, right?...just make the ole' switch-a-roo. Well, Bob's doesn't make this easy. I've been there 3 times in the past month, and all they ever have is a Dennis Eckersley, Large. Ok, see...I like Ek, right? Great pitcher in his time, but do I want an Ek shirt over a Fisk shirt?? Umm, no...I don't. And can I squish myself into a L?? Sadly, no...I'm a straight-up XL man....I HAVE BIG SHOULDERS, OK??!?

It's an $80 dollar shirt, and it was purchased with a 25% coupon, so the paid price was somewhere near $59...great gift considering that she got me a few other things as well (I was totally psyched). So I thought, "Well, how bout' this...I'll return it with no receipt, get the full 100% sales price of $80 on store credit, and wait until they get some XL's". Guess what...when you don't have a receipt, they'll only give you the lowest recent sales price, which they said was $55. Ok, see this is bullshit. These shirts have NEVER been on sale for $55 dollars since before Christmas, and I know...I've been in there every week since then. In fact, the Large Ek is sitting on the rack with an $80 price tag on it!!!! I'm not a cheap bastard, ok...I like to spend money...can't stop, for that matter...but it's the principle of the thing. What if SnS purchased the shirt for the full price of $80, lost the receipt, and then had to return it because it was too small? She only gets $55 dollars back? And Bob's keeps the $25 as a "Nice Job for Screwing the Customer" award?? I'm not trying to get $25 for free here (I've tried that), all I want is an XL Fisk...but they never have it in stock at the store near me, and if I return it, I'll never be able to get the jersey again without paying a $25 penalty. Not fair, Bob...not fair.

Solution time: my brother picks me up a Fisk XL jersey at a Bob's near his house, I give him the 80 bucks, and I take the XXL back to the Bob's near me to return with the $80 receipt. Nothing wrong here...return the same shirt, only a size bigger, for the price paid, and I keep the XL. This would've work, if HTE hadn't paid for the XL with his Visa. Well shit on a duck!! Bob's only refunds a store credit IF YOU DON'T HAVE THE ORIGINAL VISA CARD!! Oh Bob, you sly bastard!! I will return this shirt, you shifty, faceless wretch. Oh sure, I might waste a full tank of gas and grow a few more grey hairs....but it will be done. Do you hear me, Bob? I'm comin'....and I'm bringing the XXL Fisk and Hell with me!!!! Wolverines!!!!

I will never shop at Bob's...EVER. Maybe these are normal tactics, but they have lost me as a customer forever. Yes, that's right...I'll be purchasing my "Chinos", slacks, and "Members Only" jackets elsewhere from now on, thank you very much!!

Workout Update

I worked out (i.e. lifted weights) 10 times in January, equaling an average of 2.5 times a week. If I can maintain this rate for the entire year, I'll have worked out ~120 times...more than double the total for last year. Which means that I can eat twice as much, right??

I've also been running and hitting the heavy bag on off days, which I'm not counting. Perhaps I should, no?

I'm telling ya' baby, that's not mine.

It was early this morning, and I was in the process of putting on my daughter's winter coat. As a T.V. commercial droned on in the background...something I heard made me look up. "Just remove the ring, and you're ready for pleasure". What the?? Is that what I think it is?? It looks like a bong with an extension cord?!? No...that's not a advertisement for a bong....THAT'S AN ADVERTISEMENT FOR A PENIS PUMP!!! Yes, they're advertising these bad-boys on T.V. now. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I yelled to my wife.."T, c'mere! You gotta see this". Low and behold, there on the screen, was an honest to goodness p-pump. My daughter is only 1.75 years old, so she had no idea what we were talking about, but holy crap!...is this where the future of T.V. is headed?? I'm not one for censorship, but can't we save the pump commercials for the soap opera hour?

Long story short: My new penis pump will be here in 4-6 weeks ;)

Adopt or Buy?

I got into a heated discussion with my brother and sister-in-law on Sunday regarding pure-bred dogs. We were talking about buying dogs, and my thought is that I'd NEVER buy a dog, because there are thousands of abandoned dogs in MA that need a good home. It may take some time to find one that fits your particular requirements, but they are out there. I can see how someone would want a particular dog because of it's breed, size, intelligence, etc...but I don't think that these are requirements that can't be met with an adopted dog. Which leads me to our argument: I believe that money is the major motivation for all dog breeders. HTE&H believe that the majority of breeders do it because "they love the breed/dogs". Their arguments were that:

1) MOST pure-bred breeders are honest about the dogs, and want you to be a responsible dog owner.

2) Dog breeders are selective about who they sell their dogs to, thus self-limiting their market, consequently limiting their income (as opposed to "Puppy Mills", who'll sell to anyone).

3) Dog breeding is not a lucrative business. If a specific breed can only make 4 puppies per year, then depending on breed, they can get somewhere between 2-8k oer year (rough estimate)

4) Money is the not the driving factor for pure-bred breeders.: the love of the dog is the primary motivation.

I obviously agree with #1; most breeders probably wouldn't want to hand their dogs off to a guy wielding a burlap sack and shovel, OK? But it's a seller market!! The abundance of buyers can create the illusion that the breeder is being caring and responsible, but #2 is really just a function of the marketplace. They can afford to be selective because they know that they can always sell their product to responsible, happy customers, and consequently prolong their breeding career by building a good reputation. How many professional breeder have you met that have an overstock of last year's (and the year before's) puppies?? Probably not too many (they can always "get rid" of their merchandise, right). Oh, and since when is 2-8k a year NOT a lucrative little side business? Compound that money over a 20 year period, and you've got yourself a nice little 401k, no?

Which bring us to #4, the point of this post: Is money the driving factor, or is it purely a golden lining to their desire to proliferate a specific breed? I'd agree that most breeders love their breed, but the ability to make money is still truly the deciding factor. Show me that there's a large percentage of dog breeders who love their dogs AND lose money and I'll admit that I'm wrong. Don't misunderstand me, there are probably breeders that do lose money, but all I'm saying is that they are a very small percentage of the overall population. If I wanted to breed Andy (my adopted mutt), I'd be sure to make sure that endeavor wouldn't send me straight to the poor house before doing so...money is always the driving variable in a business-related equation. I digress...We don't have stats and percentages, so nothing is provable...it's all hearsay. If you believe that money is not the driving factor behind dog breeding, then I suggest that you get your rose-colored prescription lenses changed. If they don't make money, they don't breed dogs (unless they're extremely poor business-people). EOS.

Slogan Generator

I know that I promised that the quality of my blogs was going to get better, but that fact is....I LIED. I've been a user of "StumbleUpon" for ~6-8 months, but I haven't been able to utilze it frequently because it was killing my browser performance. Anyway, I fixed that problem, so I've been able to "stumble" unto some pretty funny sites as of late. I came across this rather humdrum site, but found that it's "funny factor" skyrockets when you enter more "blue" terms (ya think?). I entered "Ma Ballz", and the best that it came up with were:

Ma Ballz Tested, Mother Approved.

and

Biting the Hand that Feeds Ma Ballz.

Anway, it kept me amused for a least 5 minutes. I highly recommend StumbleUpon for wasting time.

My first cellphone post!

This is my first cellphone post. Now I'm truly mobile! My fingers are killing me, but this pain I endure for you, faithful reader. Who says that these smart keyboards stink? I love it...especially because the major advantage is that my phone is smaller because of it (and because I love the dull throbbing in my knuckles). Please RIM, settle that suit! Don't make me go back to the dreaded Treo!

Time Killers

This game is a great way to kill time. I also like this one as well. Very addicting, if you're looking to kill some time. What's that?? You don't like racquet sport? Tough.

Greensleeves Remix

What do you think of this track? Seeing as how the beat for every rap song these days is someone else's hook, I thought I take my best shot at laying down a pretty sweet remix. Oh yeah, this NEEDED to be done. Don't be stealing my hook, either....this is hot off the presses, and I retain all rights.

I'm going mad! January Madness!!

To those"in the know": March 16th is the first day of March Madness this year. It's a little early (but never too early) to start thinking about the next Chicago trip. Weiner Circle has gone almost 1 year without a visit from the complete gang, I haven't tried to pay for anything with my out-of-state license in awhile, HTE hasn't eaten anything fried since the last trip, and Harding hasn't eaten anything BUT fried foods since the last trip....It's time, my friends. Last year, we flew out on Thursday morning, and by Sunday, I was unpleasantly weary. This year, I propose a Friday morning arrival...On March 17th. What's that, you ask? March 17th??!? Does that ring a bell?? Oh my! That would be St. Patrick's Day, wouldn't it!! Well...SO BE IT!! Clear your calendars, alert your livers, and flush your colons...the dawn of our next debauchery is on the horizon!!!!!

Comments/Thoughts?? HTE? Ball? Harding? Bombs? Galt? Sidearm?

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present...."Skullcrusher".

This is the only known recorded song of Andy's Red Rocket, and it's called "Skullcrusher", for obvious reasons. That's me playing (horrible) drums, and Hags the Elder on (deathmetal) vocals. We got together to jam awhile back (we both play guitar), and the only song recorded contains no guitar whatsoever. My favorite verse?? Well, I think that would have to be the one that goes "I'm gonna take it down a notch, I'm gonna kick you in the crotch". Andy's Red Rocket will be playing the following upcoming venues:

January 21st, Foxboro MA, Rotary Club- Bridge Night
January 28th, Billerica MA, Knights of Columbus 14th Annual Acne Parade
February 4th, Walpole MA, Schwartzbaum Bar Mitzvah
February 11th, Newark NJ, MTV Sweet Sixteen Party

Ug...I'm spent.

Blogging is a great way to express myself, but I feel that it's become somewhat of a burden. I've been trying to blog every-other-day or so, and I feel that the quality of my posts has suffered because of it. From now on, I'm only going to post when I feel that it's something worth saying, rather than succumbing to the urge to HAVE to post something, quality be damned. What does that mean? It probably means that the frequency of my posts will go down....but that the quality of my overall posts should get better. Yup...I'm lazy.

Most Fertile Irish-American Male

That would be me. Also, should we really trust any studies that come from the "Smurfit Institute"? Highly questionable source...the brainiacs over at "Snork Hall at Oxford University" are already combing through the empircal data.

Weekend Wrap-up

1. Wrist not broken. Sprained. Feeling better.
2. Pats lose to Denver. I really don't feel all that bad about it, and that's when you know you're a spoiled football fan.
3. Horrible head cold (hopefully, this will be the first and last of the season).
4. Roast Beef, ravioli's, string beans for dinner at M&D's....mmmmm.

Doctor's Visit

So, I finally went to the doctor yesterday to have my wrist examined...yes, more than 2 weeks later. The whole experience left me in a state of total "THAT'S WHY I HATE GOING TO THE DOCTOR". My appointment was at 11:20 am...I was taken into the back room to see the nurse practitioner at 12 pm. During my stay in the waiting room, I had the pleasure of conversing with an older gentlemen who clearly suffered from Alzheimers. He looked to be in his early-to-mid seventies, and was waiting for his wife, who was in the back having bloodwork done. He repeatedly made the same observations and asked the same questions over and over again, making the duration of my stay in the waiting room very uncomfortable:

(5 times)
Old G: Going to see Doctor F?
The Hag: Yup.
Old G: He's a great doctor. He's tough. He eats rails and shits spikes.

(3 times)
Old G: You gotta get up on the table and dance, move those feet.
The Hag: (to myself): WTF? I have no idea what he's saying.
Old G: You gotta shake the hips for the ladies.
(The receptionist looked my way on the 3rd and final time that he said this, and gave me a funny little smirk that said "You're nice for humoring him" to which I responded with a grimace that said "Like I have a frigging choice")

(3 times...twice to me...once to another guy in the room)
Old G: You see this (pointing to the Bruins logo on his jacket)?
The Hag: Yessir...go Bruins.
Old G: Yup...everyone loves them when they're winning. When the guy comes over to service my boiler, and he sees all the Bruins stuff I got in my basement, I tellim' "Don't touch...Don't want to break your fingers".
The Hag: (fake laughing) Yeah. I bet.

After spending a very awkward 5 minutes with this gentleman, I decided that I needed to extricate myself from the conversation. I executed the very effective "Stare at my cellphone with a very serious face, and pretend to read emails and make fake phonecalls". He got the point, and moved on. I really did feel bad for the guy, but it was one of those situation where I didn't want people to think I was associated with him because he was saying some really screwy stuff.

Outcome: The nurse performed a few preliminary health checks (seeing as how I haven't been in awhile), looked at my wrist, and then referred me to a radiologist for X-rays. I Haven't heard back yet. Oh well.

Ay Caramba! The Bomber strikes again!!

OK, so here's the deal: I went to the Black Rose tonight with the Bomber for a few drinks. It was "a Guinness Night" (i.e. a Guinness sponsored evening), so we had to register at the "front desk", and sign over our souls. By the time that I had signed in and ordered a beer, all the seats were taken. We ended up sitting next to 2 woman (Jen and Meg), who appeared to be of similiar age to ourselves. I was very cordial with our recent acquaintances, who seemed very cordial in return (we discussed jobs, hobbies, all the related bullcrap, etc). I wish I could say the same for Bombs: 20 minutes into the conversation with Jen, he said something along the lines of "You are useless". Apparently, she had told him that she had a boyfriend, and he responded with the aformentioned statement. For you see, Bombs is very "up front" with females when it comes to their potential "hook-upmanship", and will state his intentions within the first 30 minutes of engagement. I, however, am happily married, and will pretty much talk to anyone about anything.......SO, I ended up listening to these 2 chicks cluck about how my best friend, the Bombs, is a dick. I, of course, stuck up for him by saying "Look...he was honest....he's not wasting your time, right? Get over it!". Needless to say, he owed me mass quantities of beer for having thrust me into said conversation (all I wanted was a few free Guinness...Guinnesses....Guinni). Afterwards, we headed over to "The Tap", where Ultimate Fighting was on "The Big Screen", and all was forgotten. Evan Tanner, you ageless wonder!

Point of Comedic Reference Catalogue

I headed over to my friend's place yesterday evening to pick up a few borrowed items, and on my way over, I left a voice message for him: "This is Red Dog One. I'm coming to get the Jade Monkey". When he got my message, he asked me, "Do you remember that show?"....to which I replied "Tales of the Golden Monkey...Brass Monkey? No, Gold Monkey...yeah Gold Monkey. Of course I do!". What red-blooded, American male who grew up in the 80's hasn't heard of that show?!? Which brings me to my reason for this post: my friend and I discussed how most of our close friends have a similiar sense of humor, and that the reason for this is because we've seen and enjoyed a lot of the same TV shows, movies, comedians, books, etc. This cumulative library of comedic mishmash, which I'll refer to from this point on as the "Point of Comedic Reference Catalogue"("PCRC"), defines your personal taste in humor. Your PCRC does not necessarily have to be defined by a specific comedic happenstance, either...it's defined by whatever YOU think is hystercially funny. For instance, a midget in a neckbrace, whilst totally unfunny to the midget, is a bellybuster to me. This list will attempt to tackle a small portion of my PCRC (I'll start with some very obvious ones):

The Simpsons (BoBo episode, specifically)
Cheers
Seinfeld
The Far Side
Back to School ("Is she right?" or "Well, Mr. Helper")
Saturday Night Live (with Eddie Murphy and Joe Piscopo)
Road House (Best Swayze flick....yes, better than "To Wong Fu...")
Tombstone (not supposed to be funny....but it kills me)
Police Academy 1 (alright, I probably watched up to 3, but don't tell anyone)
George Carlin (More stuff)
Robin Williams (His standup when he was on coke was the best)
Bill Cosby, Himself (You got the thing with the thing, and the dooohw, you see?....Rudy!)
Phil Hartman (He was hilarious in everything, except for that movie with Sinbad).
Chris Farley
Gilbert Gottfried (Can I please get an egg salad sandwich? Does anyone, aside from HTE, remember that?)
Red Dawn
Easy Money
Revenge of the Nerds I ("Nerds in Paradise" to a MUCH lesser degree)
Monty Python's "Meaning of Life" & "Holy Grail"
Half Baked
PeeWee's Big Adventure
Cheech and Chong's Up in Smoke (The beginning scene where the guy throws the Big Wheel always slayed me).
BeetleJuice ("Nice F'in model!")
Land of the Lost (a well place "Sleestak" comment can go a long way)
You can't do that on Television (Oh, Alistair...will you ever learn?)
Ace Ventura
Thundercats
Minivans with greater than 5 occupants (don't ask, I don't know why, but it's funny to me)
Neckbraces (C'mon...instant laugh getter, right?)
Kneebraces (I have a theory on these, which I may expound upon later)
Midgets (No explanation nesessary)
Midget in a neckbrace (or kneebrace, which I've never actually seen, thankfully...I might possibly die from laughter)

So there's a small glimpse of the foundation of my sense of humor...pretty standard, really. Strangley, one thing that doesn't make me laugh are clowns. Demon bastards.