I'm innocent!!

It wasn't me!! I swear!! I have an alibi!


"Thieves make off with $26,000 of beer

February 24, 2006

WEST BEND, Wis. --Authorities are hoping to break up what must be quite the party after beer thieves made off with almost $26,000 worth of suds from a delivery truck.

A semi trailer loaded with cans and bottles of Miller beer was stolen from a trucking company in Richfield, according to a Washington County Sheriff's Department report. The trailer was found four days later -- sans beer -- at an Oak Creek trucking firm.

The trailer had been dropped off at the Millis Transfer Co. sometime on Feb. 17 for delivery to a beer distributor in Menomonie, authorities said. Later that night, the trailer was discovered missing.

Company officials didn't report the loss immediately because they thought a driver must have picked up the wrong load.

The sheriff's department is investigating with Oak Creek authorities and Miller officials, said Sheriff's Capt. Dale Schmidt.

The missing product, valued at $25,788, included:

-- 384 24-packs of Miller Genuine Draft cans

-- 560 18-packs of MGD 12-ounce bottles

-- 980 18-packs of MGD 12-ounce cans

-- 40 24-packs of Miller Light 16-ounce plastic bottles"

American Idol: More than 1 set of twins

Yes, I watch AI...what can I say, it's hilarious. By now, I'm sure a lot of AI fans have heard that Becky and Jessie O'Donahue posed for Maxim a few years back...and they looked pretty damn hot doing it. In any case, these aren't the twins that I'm referring to. It required intense research, and futher scrutiny from a team of genetic scientists, but I believe that I've uncovered 2 other sets of identical twins on American Idol:

Elliott Yamin or Marty Feldman?

Bobby Bennett or Juan Candy?

Ok, the Marty Feldman comparison might be a stretch, but I swear, if you watch Bobby Bennett sing, it's almost like watching a crooning version of John Candy's Latino ghost. T and I were in hysterics watching him last night. I'm not positive, but I think I heard him order "tres Orange Whips" right before one of the last commercial breaks.

On the road again.

Leaving north Carolina right now. Whoop dee doo

Simpson's did it!

I saw an episode eerily similar to this on the Simpson's once. Hilarity ensued:

Skinner: Well, I was wrong. The lizards are a godsend.
Lisa: But isn't that a bit short-sighted? What happens when we're overrun by lizards?
Skinner: No problem. We simply release wave after wave of Chinese needle snakes. They'll wipe out the lizards.
Lisa: But aren't the snakes even worse?
Skinner: Yes, but we're prepared for that. We've lined up a fabulous type of gorilla that thrives on snake meat.
Lisa: But then we're stuck with gorillas!
Skinner: No, that's the beautiful part. When wintertime rolls around, the gorillas simply freeze to death.

Alright Aussies...you know what to do...RELEASE THE GORILLAS (or needle snakes, THEN GORILLAS)!!!!!

Free HBO!

Funny Quote

Campman had a hilarious quote this afternoon while we were emailing about this little gem (you gotta try to get past level 3 to get the joke):

http://www.winterrowd.com/maze.swf

"Oh yeah, I'm sitting close to the screen thinking, oh I got this bitch...I'm working the scroll button on my mouse to cheat up on the shoot...and BAM out comes the poop"

Guess what I'm eating!!!

(cue cheesy 70's game show music)

Announcer: Clean out your ears and index your pantry; it's America newest game show!!

(Audience Shouts): GUESS WHAT I'M EATING!!!

Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, let's put our hands together for everybody's favorite host to "Guess What I'm Eating"......The Hag!!!!

The Hag: Welcome back to America's favorite game show, Guess What I'm Eating. I'm your host, The Hag, and we've got a great show for you today. The rules are simple to Guess What I'm Eating: Guess what I'm eating. Is everybody ready? Great...let's begin:

Guess what I'm eating!!

My Olympic Overview

Bob beat me to the punch on his Olympic observations, but here are a few of my own:

1) Why does figure skating have to be so damn feminine?? It could really be a super-kickass sport if they could integrate more KungFu/Stipper-pole maneuvers into it (the girls are half naked anyway...stop teasing us). I was watching some of the mixed pairs last night, and I said to T, "Why does every outfit have to look like it was borrowed from the NutCracker?". If I was a male figureskater (which I don't see happening in the near future), I would demand that my outfit be one of the following:

• Hulk Hogan, full-on 80's regalia.
  
• Frank Drebin, Police Squad (with the requisite Japanese fighting fish attached to my nose)
• Carl Spackler, licence to kill gophers.
  
• A feces-throwing monkey. (it doesn't have to be REAL feces.......all of the time)
  
• A stereotypical Italian chef, complete with a big poofy hat, a dirty mustache, and one of those gigantic pizza-oven shovels (they're in Italy, right?).

2) I make a lot of veiled (and not so veiled) sexual references whenever I watch figure skating. T has to be sick of the Olympics by now:

• "He's gonna pork her, Dad"
  
• "You are now carrying my child"
  
• "Oh, they're totally 69'ing"
  
• "Uh, Dude...your balls are showing"
  
• "Whoa...he just gave her the Shocker!!"
• "I think she just farted"
  
• "Where's his girlfriend or wife to congratulate him?" (sarcastically, whenever a male skater comes off the ice)
  

3) I've said "US athletes are SO smarmy" at least 50 times thus far. Why? Because it's true, and because I like saying "smarmy" more than "unctuous" (both are fun words). Honestly, I can't stand the smugness of our contenders...to quote from my childhood, "I want to wipe that look right off of their faces".

4) I'm embarrassed to look at Apollo Ohno's face...he's got a landing strip under his chin.

5) I LOVE it when people fall down or crash...if it didn't happen, I wouldn't watch the Winter Olympics at all (I don't watch the Summer Olympics...and that's probably why). I actually root for them to fall...is that wrong??

6) Bob Costas wears a toupee, right? No one's hairline goes back THAT far. I can see the headline now: "Costas straps wig to luge; takes silver medal".

7) Nothing is more pleasing than when a French athlete performs poorly (Actually, French-Canadian failures are cool, too). Aside from the French, does anyone actually root for these guys? Nuf' sed.

8) "...And the Ginger Medal has just been awarded to Shaun White!" Make the evil clown go away, Mommy (Is that Pauly Shore in the background?? I think it is....buuuuudddy!).

Ronald McDevil

After partaking of a few libations at The Tap on a recent evening, T, Bomber, and I decided to grab a quick late-night snack...this incident will forever be referred to as "The McDonald's Affair". Here is what I ordered for myself:

1 1/4 Pounder with Cheese: 510 calories
1 Large Fry: 520 calories
1 10 piece nugget: 420 calories

Oh, and here is what I ordered, AND ate because Bomber passed out on the couch (I couldn't let it go cold, right??):

1 Large Fry: 520 calories
1 6 piece nugget: 250 calories

Within the span of 10 minutes, I consumed a total of 2220 calories!!!! In retrospect, this was a very unhealthy thing to do, yes? But HOT DAMN, was it tasty!! The fries were all "Yo man...we're hot and salty...you can't say no!!". And the nuggets were all "Mmmm....we're good". And they weren't lying...

The next time I'm hungry after drinking a few brewskies, it's all salad and rice cakes baby. Salad and rice cakes.

Greensleeves Remix - Redux

Ok, the Greensleeves link actually works now (Openomy's going through some growing pains). In any case, yes, that's me playing the ole' geetar, and yes, I laid down that block-rockin', bass thumpin' beat using Hammerhead. Triple threat, I am not: If you could picture my voice, it would look like an injured dog with one of those lamp-shade thingys on it's head. But the ladys love the Greensleeves...am I right? C'mon T...you love it....right?

Ok....drinkin.

Bombs is WAY drunk. HTE bought him another beer, and he's teetering.

No pussy weekend!!

I will not be a pussy when I visit chi in march. I will stay up late, not take naps...this I promise you, faithful reader!!

Bob's bobs on knobs

My sister-in-law (who from this day forward will be know as Salty N' Sweet...or SnS) purchased me a fantastic Carlton Fisk Red Sox jersey for Christmas at Bob's. Great gift...truly great, except that it was one size too big (XXL??? Hello? I'm big, but not THAT big!). Not a big deal, right?...just make the ole' switch-a-roo. Well, Bob's doesn't make this easy. I've been there 3 times in the past month, and all they ever have is a Dennis Eckersley, Large. Ok, see...I like Ek, right? Great pitcher in his time, but do I want an Ek shirt over a Fisk shirt?? Umm, no...I don't. And can I squish myself into a L?? Sadly, no...I'm a straight-up XL man....I HAVE BIG SHOULDERS, OK??!?

It's an $80 dollar shirt, and it was purchased with a 25% coupon, so the paid price was somewhere near $59...great gift considering that she got me a few other things as well (I was totally psyched). So I thought, "Well, how bout' this...I'll return it with no receipt, get the full 100% sales price of $80 on store credit, and wait until they get some XL's". Guess what...when you don't have a receipt, they'll only give you the lowest recent sales price, which they said was $55. Ok, see this is bullshit. These shirts have NEVER been on sale for $55 dollars since before Christmas, and I know...I've been in there every week since then. In fact, the Large Ek is sitting on the rack with an $80 price tag on it!!!! I'm not a cheap bastard, ok...I like to spend money...can't stop, for that matter...but it's the principle of the thing. What if SnS purchased the shirt for the full price of $80, lost the receipt, and then had to return it because it was too small? She only gets $55 dollars back? And Bob's keeps the $25 as a "Nice Job for Screwing the Customer" award?? I'm not trying to get $25 for free here (I've tried that), all I want is an XL Fisk...but they never have it in stock at the store near me, and if I return it, I'll never be able to get the jersey again without paying a $25 penalty. Not fair, Bob...not fair.

Solution time: my brother picks me up a Fisk XL jersey at a Bob's near his house, I give him the 80 bucks, and I take the XXL back to the Bob's near me to return with the $80 receipt. Nothing wrong here...return the same shirt, only a size bigger, for the price paid, and I keep the XL. This would've work, if HTE hadn't paid for the XL with his Visa. Well shit on a duck!! Bob's only refunds a store credit IF YOU DON'T HAVE THE ORIGINAL VISA CARD!! Oh Bob, you sly bastard!! I will return this shirt, you shifty, faceless wretch. Oh sure, I might waste a full tank of gas and grow a few more grey hairs....but it will be done. Do you hear me, Bob? I'm comin'....and I'm bringing the XXL Fisk and Hell with me!!!! Wolverines!!!!

I will never shop at Bob's...EVER. Maybe these are normal tactics, but they have lost me as a customer forever. Yes, that's right...I'll be purchasing my "Chinos", slacks, and "Members Only" jackets elsewhere from now on, thank you very much!!

Workout Update

I worked out (i.e. lifted weights) 10 times in January, equaling an average of 2.5 times a week. If I can maintain this rate for the entire year, I'll have worked out ~120 times...more than double the total for last year. Which means that I can eat twice as much, right??

I've also been running and hitting the heavy bag on off days, which I'm not counting. Perhaps I should, no?

I'm telling ya' baby, that's not mine.

It was early this morning, and I was in the process of putting on my daughter's winter coat. As a T.V. commercial droned on in the background...something I heard made me look up. "Just remove the ring, and you're ready for pleasure". What the?? Is that what I think it is?? It looks like a bong with an extension cord?!? No...that's not a advertisement for a bong....THAT'S AN ADVERTISEMENT FOR A PENIS PUMP!!! Yes, they're advertising these bad-boys on T.V. now. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I yelled to my wife.."T, c'mere! You gotta see this". Low and behold, there on the screen, was an honest to goodness p-pump. My daughter is only 1.75 years old, so she had no idea what we were talking about, but holy crap!...is this where the future of T.V. is headed?? I'm not one for censorship, but can't we save the pump commercials for the soap opera hour?

Long story short: My new penis pump will be here in 4-6 weeks ;)

Adopt or Buy?

I got into a heated discussion with my brother and sister-in-law on Sunday regarding pure-bred dogs. We were talking about buying dogs, and my thought is that I'd NEVER buy a dog, because there are thousands of abandoned dogs in MA that need a good home. It may take some time to find one that fits your particular requirements, but they are out there. I can see how someone would want a particular dog because of it's breed, size, intelligence, etc...but I don't think that these are requirements that can't be met with an adopted dog. Which leads me to our argument: I believe that money is the major motivation for all dog breeders. HTE&H believe that the majority of breeders do it because "they love the breed/dogs". Their arguments were that:

1) MOST pure-bred breeders are honest about the dogs, and want you to be a responsible dog owner.

2) Dog breeders are selective about who they sell their dogs to, thus self-limiting their market, consequently limiting their income (as opposed to "Puppy Mills", who'll sell to anyone).

3) Dog breeding is not a lucrative business. If a specific breed can only make 4 puppies per year, then depending on breed, they can get somewhere between 2-8k oer year (rough estimate)

4) Money is the not the driving factor for pure-bred breeders.: the love of the dog is the primary motivation.

I obviously agree with #1; most breeders probably wouldn't want to hand their dogs off to a guy wielding a burlap sack and shovel, OK? But it's a seller market!! The abundance of buyers can create the illusion that the breeder is being caring and responsible, but #2 is really just a function of the marketplace. They can afford to be selective because they know that they can always sell their product to responsible, happy customers, and consequently prolong their breeding career by building a good reputation. How many professional breeder have you met that have an overstock of last year's (and the year before's) puppies?? Probably not too many (they can always "get rid" of their merchandise, right). Oh, and since when is 2-8k a year NOT a lucrative little side business? Compound that money over a 20 year period, and you've got yourself a nice little 401k, no?

Which bring us to #4, the point of this post: Is money the driving factor, or is it purely a golden lining to their desire to proliferate a specific breed? I'd agree that most breeders love their breed, but the ability to make money is still truly the deciding factor. Show me that there's a large percentage of dog breeders who love their dogs AND lose money and I'll admit that I'm wrong. Don't misunderstand me, there are probably breeders that do lose money, but all I'm saying is that they are a very small percentage of the overall population. If I wanted to breed Andy (my adopted mutt), I'd be sure to make sure that endeavor wouldn't send me straight to the poor house before doing so...money is always the driving variable in a business-related equation. I digress...We don't have stats and percentages, so nothing is provable...it's all hearsay. If you believe that money is not the driving factor behind dog breeding, then I suggest that you get your rose-colored prescription lenses changed. If they don't make money, they don't breed dogs (unless they're extremely poor business-people). EOS.

Slogan Generator

I know that I promised that the quality of my blogs was going to get better, but that fact is....I LIED. I've been a user of "StumbleUpon" for ~6-8 months, but I haven't been able to utilze it frequently because it was killing my browser performance. Anyway, I fixed that problem, so I've been able to "stumble" unto some pretty funny sites as of late. I came across this rather humdrum site, but found that it's "funny factor" skyrockets when you enter more "blue" terms (ya think?). I entered "Ma Ballz", and the best that it came up with were:

Ma Ballz Tested, Mother Approved.

and

Biting the Hand that Feeds Ma Ballz.

Anway, it kept me amused for a least 5 minutes. I highly recommend StumbleUpon for wasting time.

My first cellphone post!

This is my first cellphone post. Now I'm truly mobile! My fingers are killing me, but this pain I endure for you, faithful reader. Who says that these smart keyboards stink? I love it...especially because the major advantage is that my phone is smaller because of it (and because I love the dull throbbing in my knuckles). Please RIM, settle that suit! Don't make me go back to the dreaded Treo!

Time Killers

This game is a great way to kill time. I also like this one as well. Very addicting, if you're looking to kill some time. What's that?? You don't like racquet sport? Tough.

Greensleeves Remix

What do you think of this track? Seeing as how the beat for every rap song these days is someone else's hook, I thought I take my best shot at laying down a pretty sweet remix. Oh yeah, this NEEDED to be done. Don't be stealing my hook, either....this is hot off the presses, and I retain all rights.