The Hag Bag

C'mon Celtics!

2011-02-05T10:54:00.000-05:00

Neil, Derek, and I went to the Celtics last night (they lost to the Mavs). While the game was great, the food before AND after at Neptune Oyster stole the night, IMHO. Island Creeks and Wellfleets were phenomenal! I wish we could've gotten more tickets for everyone to go, but they were limited (sorry, Tennessee!).

Heavy Lifting

2011-02-05T10:48:00.001-05:00

I came across this article the other day, and it got me a-thinking: I really miss lifting heavy. Not that I've ever been a power-lifter, per se, but I used to lift much heavier weights (and a heck of a lot more frequently). So I headed down to the home gym this morning (smith machine, free weights, etc), and decided to push some ell-bees around. I started doing some dead lifts (which I've never really done before), and just like the guy in the article, I'm a weakling (95 lbs. I didn't try to max out because I wanted to maintain form on an exercise I've never done before). Needless to say, my legs were (and are) a bit tired. I then headed over to the flat bench (which, btw, I used in conjunction with the smith machine so I don't accidentally kill myself while no one else was around), and worked my way up to what I would consider a reasonable max (220 lbs...no terrible, considering that I haven't lifted in a while). Long story short: I'm motivated again. I even took a few videos of my dead lift to make sure that my form was correct (looked pretty good). This is gonna be a great year, right Louis?

What snow?

2011-02-02T13:02:00.000-05:00

I've never been one to complain about snow,but Jesus-H-Christ, are we getting way too much of it this year, or what!! I've never seen so much snow on my roof (over a foot in some area); I'm starting to get a bit concerned. To top it off, I'd had to travel quite a bit the past few weeks, and I've been stuck in some hellish traffic. The worst part about this type of traffic is when you realize that 1) there's no accident, 2) not a single car is in the breakdown lane and 3) it stops and starts at random. And why do cops sit in the left hand breakdown lane on 95N (toward the split) with their engines running? That's an automatic decrease in speed of 20 mph (thanks, jerk-offs)!! Whatever, I guess it could be worse. I could be living in Delaware.

Pro Bowl? Bah!

2011-01-30T20:23:00.001-05:00

Does anyone actually watch the NFL's Pro Bowl? I don't think I've ever watched the entire game. The QB's throw across the middle with abandon, and the safeties peel off, practically begging the receiver to catch the ball. Where are the hits? Where's the emotion? This is simply a final showcase of egotism, and I'd rather watch Pawn Stars. Good day, Sir!

BTW: 35-0 NFC in the 2nd half?!?!? I said "Good Day"!!!

Yes, Sensei!!

2010-06-30T15:35:00.003-05:00

So my 6-year-old daughter has been taking Karate lessons at pre-school for the last 8 months or so, and she really enjoys it. She'll come home on certain days, and she'll start showing off her moves (up, down, punch, kick!!!). Anywho, this has essentially been a once-a-week thing that's been really inexpensive (I think it was $20, or something along those lines). Long story short, we finally decided to take her to the school for a formalized training plan and WHAMMO! Is this stuff expensive!! $133 a month, with a commitment of at least 2 nights a week (most go for 3). Talk about sticker-shock! Anyway, the reason that I'm writing this is because the instructor just called to "put on the hard sell" after my wife gently pushed back earlier in the day. Here's the beginning of the conversation:

The Hagbag: Hi, this is The Hagbag.
Sensei: Hi Hagbag, this is Sensei.

Stop. Stop right there. Now, clearly, I didn't call myself "The Hagbag" when I answered my phone. HOWEVER...this guy called himself Sensei. Not Tim, or Mr. Karate...but Sensei. It reminded me of the Seinfeld episode with The Maestro. Am I supposed to call him Sensei? He's not my teacher, right? Didn't Daniel call Mr Miagi "Sensei", but everyone else call him Mr. Miagi? Actually, now that I think about ut, Daniel called him Mr. Miagi as well. Ok, now I'm just flat out confused. Maybe I'll just call him "Pat Morita". I thought it was kinda funny, and I thought I'd share. Let me know if you think those prices (and the associated time required) seem like a hard pill to swallow to you, too.

PS: I've missed you.

For the 5231st time...I'm never drinking again.

2009-04-20T14:54:00.001-05:00

T and I went to her cousin's wedding yesterday (my M+D watched the kids for the night). Needless to say, I had a few too many Skinny Pirates (what the bartender called a Diet and Capt.), and now I'm not feeling all that well. Amazingly, I was able to get my ass out of bed this morning to play basketball, and I ended up playing pretty well (as foggy headed as I was, it was amazing that I could even catch the ball). No more. Or is that "No, more!". Whatever I have to workout tonight to push out all the demons...I hope I can finish.

Google Docs Down Again

2008-07-08T11:26:00.008-05:00

Foiled again by Google Docs (7/8/2008 12:27 EST):

And apparently, it's not just me (love this little service, downforeveryoneorjustme):

Have I overlooked something obvious, or is it time I start looking at Zoho for my online document needs?

Gone Fishing...

2008-02-08T14:54:00.000-05:00

The Hagbag is headed to St. Kitts tomorrow, so don't expect too many posts next week (I might pop&post a few snapshots...we'll have to see how the T-Mobile coverage is in the Caribbean).

Also, I'm in the process of writing a new song, but the only word that I can rhyme with "Spatula Prince" is "flatulence". Any help?? Thanks...

Song #7: Never Back. Always Forward

2008-02-07T13:35:00.000-05:00

Never back. Always Forward.
I look outside and it's raining.
The paper says we've got mist rolling over the lake.
There's worse to come, and I feel it.
Your love for me is gone, and the storm clouds are ready to break.

I understand now that it's over.
There's no going back to the sunnier days of our past.
The high-water mark is still rising,
I'll try to tread the water, but I feel like I'm sinking too fast.

Chorus:
You've made me
harder than stone, where I can't feel pain anymore.
When you told me,
Your life's moving on, you packed your bags and you walked out the door.
And I gave you,
Ten years of my life and I want to go back there again.
But it's over,
And looking back towards the sun makes the darkness much harder to bear.
To beeeeaaaaaarrrrrr.

The pictures we shared are now burning.
The memories are hard; I can't stand to look at the pain.
The fire is stoked, and it's growing.
The anger that I feel's the only warmth that keeps me sustained.

But I know that one day I'll see you.
Years from this point when our lives have twisted away.
When the memories of this storm have faded.
I'll look you in the eyes and I'll finally get a chance to say.

Chorus:
You made me
harder than stone, where I couldn't feel pain anymore.
When you told me,
Your life's moving on, you packed your bags and you walked out the door.
And I gave you,
Ten years of my life and I wanted to go back there again.
But it's over,
And looking back towards the sun makes the darkness much harder to bear.
To beeeeaaaaaarrrrrr.

Tanks for Nuttin', Danny!!

2008-02-07T09:35:00.001-05:00

Every year, I get the registration email. Every year I sign up. Every year, I get the same response. I'm gettin' pretty fed up! When are things going to start lookin' up Hagbag??

Wow...this is tough.....not going to make it...

2008-02-06T15:06:00.000-05:00

Ok, maybe I was a little hasty when I said I'd write a song a day for a month. Does a week suffice? With all the work (and travel for work), I'm just not going to be able to write a song-a-day. I'll keep trying, though.

Waiting for my flight from Rochester to LaGuardia yesterday, I spotted a woman who looked suspiciously like Marg Helgenberger (from CSI). The closer I got, the more it looked like her. I DID take a picture, but it's not that great (I didn't want to look like a stalker):

Yeah, too blurry...TMZ, I am not. Oh, and Bill Weld was on my plane from LaGuardia to Boston. What's he doing riding coach on US Airways? Workin' for the man just doesn't pay that well, I guess.

Oh, Peter....

2008-02-02T08:26:00.000-05:00

I'd like to do my own "Grind my Gears" segment for a moment. You know what really grinds my gears??? Know-it-alls. I was on the plane Friday, waiting to take off, when they announced that all electronic devices should be turned off. I, of course, didn't hear him because I had my noise-canceling headphones on. So the geek* (and I mean that in the nicest sense of the word) sitting next to me taps me on the shoulder and says "it's time to turn those off". Yes, he was right. It WAS time to turn them off, but was it really his place to tell me? I'm not exactly sure why, but it really irked me; I would never do that to someone. I would wait for the stewardess/steward to tell someone to turn it off. I just thought that it was a really dorky, nosy, somewhat rude thing to do. Yes, airlines have rules and they should be followed, but did this guy really feel that my headphones were going to affect the flight whatsoever? I'm sure some people will disagree, but you're entitled to your opinion. Gears grinded.

* If this guy's name wasn't Louis or Gilbert, I'll drink spoiled milk.

We interrupt this regularly scheduled program...

2008-02-02T08:24:00.001-05:00

I was in CA all this past week, and it was difficult to find time to post. It's going to be difficult this week as well because I'll be on the road M & T, but I'll keep plugging away.

Song #6: Cincinnati Bowtie

2008-01-31T19:13:00.000-05:00

I really don't have much to add to this, so I'll just post it. Sorry.

Cincinnati Bowtie
I'm bored with the norm.
I need something new.
My new move was born,
and tested on you.

Cinncinatti Bowtie! Cinncinatti Bowtie!
Cinncinatti Bowtie! Cinncinatti Bowtie!

Who would've known it?
They'd never believe...
the minute you shown it
another trick up my sleeve.

Cinncinatti Bowtie! Cinncinatti Bowtie!
Cinncinatti Bowtie! Cinncinatti Bowtie!

There's no tie to speak of.
No new knot to learn.
Once you've got the technique of
the "turn after turn".

Cinncinatti Bowtie! Cinncinatti Bowtie!
Cinncinatti Bowtie! Cinncinatti Bowtie!

Song #5: Something is wrong

2008-01-30T14:10:00.000-05:00

Here's another new song! I'm really padding the portfolio, but I get the feeling that I'm losing some steam. I'll keep at it!

Something is wrong
The white light, the humming, the remnants of dreams.
No longer simple as everything seems.
The prodding, the poking, the burning, the fall.
The lightning, the metal, the shock of it all.

Where have I gone, Where have I been?
I never thought I'd ever get to see you again.
My life flashed before me, and then it was gone.
I'm back again, but something is wrong.

Something is wrooooong....I'm not myself.
Something is wrooooong....but you can't help me.
Something is wrooooong....you can't relate.
Something is wrooooong....something is wrong.

Instrumental Interlude, with Spoken:
What the hell is that! Jay! JAY!!
Did you see that? Hello? Hello?
Where'd he go? Pete...where'd Jay go?
I don't know, man. I don't know.

The screaming, the shouting, succumbed to the fear.
Make all the noise you can, but no one will hear.
Alone, alive, but someone's unseen.
Watching, and waiting, numb to the routine.

My eyes, my sight, my life from before.
I see now it's all been thrown out the door.
I'm left alone; a shell of once was.
Please stay with me; I need you because...

Something is wrooooong....I'm not myself.
Something is wrooooong....but you can't help me.
Something is wrooooong....you can't relate.
Something is wrooooong....something is wrong.

Song #4: I can't go on without you

2008-01-29T11:38:00.000-05:00

Here we go again! My brother, HTE, thinks this songs is about marijuana. I really didn't have it in mind when I wrote the song, but now that I reread it, he might be onto something (my subconscious at work, perhaps?):

I can't go on without you
My bed is hard.
The water's cold.
I can't imagine doing this until I am old.

The raise never came.
The rent is due.
The only thing that keeps me going on is

Chorus:
You-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo...you keep me halfway sane
You-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo...you almost dull my pain.
You-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo...you always get me through.
Youooooooooooooooo...I can't go on without you.

The queue is full.
I'm always last.
I won't come back again because my time has passed.

No patience left.
My wits are few,
Get this over fast so I can run right back to

Chorus:
You-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo...you keep me halfway sane
You-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo...you almost dull my pain.
You-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo...you always get me through.
Youooooooooooooooo...I can't go on without you.

Bridge:
I can't go on without you.
I can't go on without you.
Won't even try without youooooooooooo.
I can't go on without you.
I can't go on without youoooooooooooo-hooooooo.

So take my hand,
and make me smile.
Cause' you and me are gonna be here for awhile

My love is tried.
My love is true.
No one in the world can make me feel like this but

You-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo...you keep me halfway sane
You-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo...you almost dull my pain.
You-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo...you always get me through.
Youooooooooooooooo...I can't go on without you.

Alternate Lyrics:
Born incomplete.
You make me whole.
My love for you is something that I can't control.

Damn Drivers! Go Pats!

2008-01-28T11:15:00.000-05:00

I'm in CA this week for business. I was headed north on 95 yesterday around 12ish, on my way to the airport, when this State Trooper starts weaving back and forth between all three lanes of traffic. He's purposely trying to prevent people from getting past him, and all the while, he's slowing down. We went from 70 mph to 50 to 30 to 20 (at which point, I'm all "WTF!!!!!!!!")....ON 95!!! A MAJOR 3-LANE HIGHWAY Finally, he just stops the cruiser in the middle of the highway, and tells everyone behind him to stop with one final crossing lady gesture (hand out, palm facing everyone). At this point, I'm thinking the guy's on drugs, and he's going to systematically go from car to car, killing random drivers at they sit in their car. We're stuck in the middle of the highway, right near the Rt.1/27 onramp, and traffic is backing up all the way behind me. Suddenly, I see 20 cruisers blaring their sirens coming onto 95 from the onramp, followed by 5 huge yellow buses. IT WAS THE PATS!!! On their way to the airport. When everyone recognized what was going on, we all started honking our horns and cheering. It was very cool!!! And what was cooler than that? I was able to follow the buses all the way to the airport....fastest commute to Boston ever. Yes, it was snowing AND there were police everywhere...but I still had to take a picture with my cell phone (not the smartest thing to do, but it had to be done). Not the greatest photos, but you can kinda see yellow buses.

Song #3: Urban Heir Gansta.

2008-01-28T10:14:00.001-05:00

I'm not sure if you've noticed it yet, but I don't really take my lyrics all that seriously. It's not like I'm wearing all black, brooding the corner, reciting Lord Byron or anything. This is for fun, so take it as such. However, if Clive Davis is reading, I'm totally serious...I'll sellout in minute.

With that said, here's my latest song: Urban Heir Gansta. Very tongue in cheek...enjoy!

Urban Heir Gansta Rap

Did I mention I have a roof-deck?
Yeah, a whole fucking roof-deck!
Sometimes, we play floor hockey up on it,
and none of this 3 on 3 bullshek.

Stainless steel makes the place look hot.
Looks fucking sweet, but it's tough to keep spot(less).
Oh, and the the fucking water dispenser is shot,
but that shit'll be fixed cause the warranty's still hot.

spoken:
5 year warranty...oh yeah...on all of it.
"Best investment" is what I say, in case this stuff breaks down.
You know, that's how we do.

Oh, shit..no smokin' up in my place!
Those curtain were expensive, and they're tough to replace!
Egyptian cotton in the master, 800 thread.
Seriously, some Egyptian woman knitted it til' her fingers bled.

And the bed, did I mention, has a vibrating frame?
It's where all the magic happens, none of the lady's the same.
Over here we got' Pacino hangin' up on the ceiling.
Gotta keep my ole' street cred alive and appealing.

Hell yeah, we got marble up in the bathroom suite.
Had to have it just because it makes the room complete.
I kinda wasted money, but I really don't care.
Cause' all I ever do is take my dumps up there.

spoken:
We had a special fan put in for just for me, baby.
Yup, turbine-operated, and all that.
Sucks like a mutha'!

Yeah, my tastes are particular, I gots ta' be choosy.
I wouldn't settle for much less than an eight person jacuzzi.
It takes up to 3 hours for that bitch to get hot.
I leave it on all the time just in case I forgot.

Forget, forgot, who the hell cares?
Come ova' here, you gotta see the new mahogany stairs.
It took 20 guys just to get the wood through the door.
Hop in the elevator and we'll continue the tour.

Yeah, C'mon upstairs, and let me show you around.
You'll get a better view of all the guards on the grounds.
And from this perspective, my new whip only looks like a speck.
And yes, by the way, this is the world's fly-est roof deck

spoken:
did I mention I have a roofdeck?
I did? I don't remember telling you about the roofdeck.
Well, we played 5 on 5 hockey up here last night...pretty sweet, right? Yeah...

Song#2: Rock Rocket

2008-01-25T09:17:00.000-05:00

Cheesy 80's music...we all loved it at the time. Here's my best whack at it:

Rock Rocket
Steel girders headin' for the sky.
Metal to Metal, sparks are ready fly.
Pressure dropping, better hold on tight...
There's only one thing gonna make things right

Grab on tight, it's your turn to climb.
Let the music take you, this one last time.
As the light fade outs and the darkness falls
There's only one thing that can heed your calls!

Chorus:
Rock Rocket: Scream it out loud!
Rock Rocket: Ridin' the crowd!
Rock Rocket: We're doin' the deed!
Rock Rocket: Always got what you need!

Double or nothing, all bets are on
The tables are turned, but your luck is gone
Holdin' the deuces while the aces are wild
Bettin' it all cause' Lady Luck just smiled.

Bridge:
We're Climbin'.
We're Cruisin'.
Getting Higher....with YOU!!!

Chorus:
Rock Rocket: Scream it out loud!
Rock Rocket: Ridin' the crowd!
Rock Rocket: We're doin' the deed!
Rock Rocket: Always got what you need!'

What is this blog, anyway? Song #1 : My Guitar Screams

2008-01-23T12:05:00.000-05:00

I ask myself that question every time that I post. To be honest, I'm not exactly sure. Is this blog for my benefit, or for yours, kind Reader? With that said, I'm going to take a decidedly different turn over the next few weeks, and I hope that you can at least appreciate the effort that I'm going to put in. Sure, I'll still take the time to make a funny here and there, but for the next few weeks, I'm going to try and post a new, Hagbag-original song every single day (weekend not included). I might not be Carol King, and the quality of the lyrics may be low-end at best, but I'm thinking that it might at least get my creative juices pumping. So bear with me (or not). A lot of these songs will be blues-based (because it's the lyrical form that I struggle with the least), but I won't stay exclusively in that realm.

And with that, here's #1. It's about my guitar hating me (or about my lackluster guitar chops...you decide):

My Guitar Screams
I try to do the right the thing, but alway wind up astray.
Yes, I tried to hit the E chord, but I wound up on A.
Well, my guitar screams "kill me" every time that I play.

"Please mister, please...don't you take me for a ride."
she says, "Please mister please, don't you take me for a ride.
You're the only one who ever made me think of suicide."

I treat you like a goddess,
I've wrote you many songs,
I've tried to make you love me; it seems we'll never get along.

She says "Oh baby, you know that I love you, but your hands they do betray."
Well, my guitar will always scream "kill me" every time that I play.

I have no ego, so fire away with the feedback!! Thanks!

Golf Outing (in Vegas)

2008-01-22T14:44:00.000-05:00

I'm heading out to Vegas for a "golf outing" in April. Here's my list of to-do's:

Party with the "little person" at O'Hara's
Fire an automatic weapon
Drink from a football-shaped beer-dispenser
Make back what I lost last time
Call the asshole craps dealer at Hooter's "Louie Anderson" again.
Eat a 40-ounce steak
Go the entire trip without making a "Thunder Down Under" reference.
Latch onto some inane casino song, and repeat it over and over
NO "Let it Ride"...No, I'm serious this time. Seriously....OK, maybe once.
Get Ball silly-drunk again at Harrah's. It's not his bachelor party, but still hella-funny.

Don't be mad, baby...you know I love you. Song # 1/2: Whiskey in Franklin

2008-01-21T12:04:00.001-05:00

It's been awhile, and I realize that I've neglected you for way too long. I'm sorry, baby...I swear that HagBag will never do that again. Oh, c'mon baby...don't be that way...you know that I love you, and that I'd never hurt you, right? I wrote a song for you...do you want to hear it? No?!? But baby...I wrote it for you! It goes:

Whiskey in Franklin, tryin' to find my way home.
Yes whiskey in Franklin, tryin' to find my way home.
I've been spending too many days crying, can't spend another night alone.

I've been drinkin' baby, please excuse what I say.
Yes, I've been drinkin' sweetheart, please excuse what I say.
The words always go in one direction when I want them to go the other way.

Well I called my baby once,
I called me baby twice,
I don't remember what I said, I only pray that it was nice.

Well, I had Whiskey in Franklin, now I'm on my way home.
I've spent too many days a'crying, can't spend another night alone.

Are we cool now, Baby? Yeah....that's what I thought. Get over here, sweetheart.

So long, South Beach Diet!!!

2007-11-07T14:59:00.001-05:00

I've been on the South Beach Diet for over a month now, and it's going very well. I haven't had a piece of bread (except for 2 hamburger rolls...which was an emergency...yeah, that's it) during that time. I'm trying to lose weight, eat healthy, blah blah blah, and now I read this. Being 15-25 pounds overweight can be healthy, doctors say?? I'm turning down cake and cookies, not eating carbs, wolfing down vegetables like they're going out of style, and now this? Where were you indecisive bastards 30 days ago when I started this thing??

They're off the list...

2007-11-04T14:24:00.000-05:00

My wife, T, went over to a new neighbor' house yesterday for a "jewelry party". When she got back an hour or so later, the following conversation ensued:

Hagbag: How were the new neighbors? Were they cool? Can we hang out with them?
T: Uh..yeah...they were nice.
Hagbag: What? What happened? Whats'tha matter?
T: Let me put it this way...they said they rented "Wild Hogs" last night...and they thought it was HILARIOUS!
Hagbag: Say no more...they're off the list.

You just never know. Scary, scary stuff.

Coffee High

2007-10-10T09:48:00.000-05:00

I'm not normally a coffee drinker, but for some reason, I decided to make a pot this morning. I just downed 2 large mugs of coffee, and I'm starting to understand why people drink this stuff. Needless to say, there's a little extra pep in my step this morning....yikes, I'm racing.

I'm a genius...

2007-10-04T15:15:00.001-05:00

Ball's Wedding

2007-10-03T09:32:00.001-05:00

Ball got married to Pow this weekend; and we all had a blast. Boomer (Best Man), Harding, Galt, Sidearm, BackToBack (brother-in-law), and I were all in the wedding. HTE & Bombs were present as well....talk about a serious crew...

It's very hard to describe this weekend, because there were SO many friends present that it's all very blurry (Boston and Chicago crews united at last!). The pre-rehearsal dinner (sidebar: leave it up to Ball to fit in another dinner, you beautiful bastard) was excellent!! Many of the folks present, including myself, ordered the kangaroo. I thought I heard the waiter say that the special was "baby pelican", but alas, I was wrong. So kangaroo was had by many....and it was excellent (I ordered "the pouch" medium-rare). The rehearsal dinner was excellent as well...lots of booze, food, friends, etc, etc (the wedding gifts were awesome...NFL jerseys....GO PATS)! The wedding was VERY classy, with every detail covered (excellent slide show, great food, EXCELLENT music, etc, etc). All in all, one of the best weddings & weekends that I can remember. Thanks Ball & Pow...congratulations!

2 sick kids + 1 hungry dog = 1 extremely busy morning

2007-10-03T09:13:00.001-05:00

Kid#1 (whom I'll now refer to as MPandy, 3) was out of school the past few days with a serious ear infection (actually, because of the fever caused by the ear infection). Kid#2 (whom I'll now refer to as Lammy, 6 weeks) has had a cold, but is in good spirits. Normally, MPandy is easy to take care of, as she does everything on her own (favorite saying "I'll do it"). However, for the past few mornings, she's been very tired, sick, woozy, fevered, etc, etc...which in turn makes her extremely clingy & needy (I'm not blaming her...she's miserable). Lammy is in a great mood, but she's only 6 weeks old, so she obviously requires a lot of attention. Anyway, both kids were laying on our bed this morning, when MPandy suddenly rolled over onto her stomach, and horked face-down into our bed (did I mention that she's been taking this deep-pink medicine?). I didn't notice right away (she was silent) until I looked over at her: Air-raid sirens go off, CODE RED, DEFCON1, CLEANUP IN AISLE 8!!!!! Pink mess everywhere. Meanwhile, the dog is going nuts trying to jump on the bed to "see what's going on". I gently guided MPandy to the bathroom, kicked the dog out of room, tore the bedcloths off of the bed and headed to the washing machine. It was a scene, man...a real scene.

Everything is coming up Hagbag!

2007-10-02T11:26:00.001-05:00

Hagbag 1, Harding 5346

Oh, and I won twice at darts (out of ~15 games). Yup, the glass is half full, baby. It may be full of month-old, skunked beer, but it's half full just the same. Whoooooooooo-Weeeeeeee!!!!

What did you say?

2007-03-21T12:49:00.000-05:00

Hags: Do you have a washer and dryer in your condo?
Harding: Yeah. Below Me.
Hags: All I asked was whether you can do your laundry...you didn't have to be rude.

Try it out. Below me. Blow me. I love it!

This took me a minute...

2007-02-26T12:55:00.000-05:00

Very clever....

How come nothing like this ever happens to me?

2007-02-16T12:32:00.000-05:00

Can you guess what my favorite line from this article is?? Go on...guess:

"slowly descended herself"...Nope.
"see the Earth coming"...No ma'am!
"ice in her lightweight flying suit and frost bite to her face"...that's not right.
"an attack by two large eagles"...DING DING DING...WE HAVE A WINNER

Eagles?!?!? A coordinated eagle attack??? Dammit...I wish I could've seen that. GAAWWWWWWKKKK!!!!!!

Another new holiday??!? Stay with me...you'll like this one.

2007-02-02T16:59:00.000-05:00

So, I've been heading into the city more often for work lately (yes, Da' Bag leaves the ole' home-based work-lair every now and then, OK? Double-hyphenation....sweet), and it's astonishing how clearly rude some people are (Wow...that was some grammar...hyphenation, parentheses, run-on sentence...amazing...I'm still doing it...I can't STOP....just kidding). I'm sitting on the train the other morning, and this overtly-loud galoot would not keep his voice down. I'm minding my own business, getting my ass whooped in Blackjack and this...I'm sorry, I'm going to use it again, because it fit him so perfectly...galoot, is practically shouting his conversation across the state. It would be one thing if the conversation was minutely interesting, but no; it's all "Yeah, so, I was once a chef, and MAN, those guys make good money, and now I'm going to see my sista' and then have lunch over in Southie with an old buddy who I usta' go to school with back in tha' day. Man dose' were the times, but I'll tell ya', if ever had the BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH". If I were half as rude as he was, I'd a'pimped smacked him onto the tracks...but NOooooooooo, the "Man" says that we can't do that, right? So what can we do? Put on our headphones, ignore these idiots, and continue on with life, I guess. But you know what? That will never solve this guy's problem. It IS his problem; after all, he's the one suffering from low-grade Voice Immodulation Syndrome. Should the circle of life continue ad infinitum without letting these people know that they are being rude?? I'm of the opinion that something needs to be done, so here's my solution: I'm officially declaring March 1st "You're Being a Jackass Day" (YBAJD). That's right...it's your yearly, guilt-free, tactless, "Get out of jail free card" for alerting citizens that they've overstepped the bounds of normal decency. If word gets out, I'm sure that we could easily overtake Christmas and Thanksgiving as the most popular holiday. I've done 32 Xmas'es, Thanksgivings, Easters, etc. at this point in my life; it's been done. How many times have I publicly humiliated a stranger when I've REALLY wanted to....ZERO. Well, it's time to look forward to something new. Watch out, Flag Day...I'm coming up on ya'. Oh, and by the way, the only person who receives gifts on YBAJD is it's creator....feel free.

BTW: For you holiday buffs, YBAJD coincides with Iceland's Beer Day. Reykjavik, anyone?

Workouts 06'

2007-01-01T13:36:00.000-05:00

Ok, I'm embarrassed; I lifted weights 56 times in 2006....ONE more time than 2005. WTF? Ok, seriously, I mean it this time...I'll break the 100 barrier in 2007 AND I'll document all of my workouts (not just the lifting, but the running and boxing as well). Whole new leaf, baby...whole new leaf ;)

Happy New Years, ya' drunk bastids!!

2006-12-31T21:15:00.000-05:00

To my friends with whom I shared libations over the course of 2006:

Bomber!! Have another one, ya' drunk bastid!
HTE, whassup?...how you doin' tonight, ya' drunk bastid?
SnS, how's it goin? Havin' a few drinks tonight, ya' drunk bastid?
Harding....what'choo doin' dog?? Ah...libations, ya' drunk bastid!
Ball? You awake? You drunk bastid, you puked all over ya' shoes!!
GW....You're not drinking SoCo on New Years, are you, ya' drunk bastid?!?
Chappy, I don't think Tequila is the best option for you right now, ya' drunk bastid!

To any and all other drunk bastids that I missed on this list (because I'm too lazy to write out all the names), I say the same to you as well: Happy New Years, ya' drunk bastids!! Me?!?! Drunk?? Nope...I'm as sober as the day I was born....no, wait...I'm lying...I had a few while I was watching the game, and then some more at dinner. Now that I think about it, I might be a drunk bastid....Happy New Years to me, too!!

Yes, I work from home...

2006-12-18T15:30:00.000-05:00

OK, so I've made a Top 5 list of all the REALLY FUNNY (and by "REALLY FUNNY", I mean "REALLY UNFUNNY, EXTREMELY REPETITIVE") work-at-home jokes/insults that I've heard over the last 5 years:

"Hags doesn't even need to shower" or my favorite, "Hags doesn't shower" (this one wins the "most often used" award)
"Hags walks around naked all day" (this one wins the "most accurate" award...just kidding...mostly)
"Hags only works for, like, an hour a day"
"Hags looks at porn all day"
"Hags sits around playing his guitar all day"

Let's do something fun, shall we? Go through the list, and say each one out loud in your best Bobcat Goldthwait delivery. Now repeat it 2000 more times. Was that fun? No?!?! Good, now you know how I feel. Yes, I work from home. Yes, my work environment is probably a little different that what you're used to. And "Yes!", these jokes have gotten repetitive. Next time you get the urge, jump on the Ole' HagBag, and read these out loud in the privacy of your home. Trust me, it's better off this way...unless you want me to come to your office and make lame jokes about your job whenever you pass water cooler. Is that what you want? I didn't think so. Thanks!

From the office/home gym/bedroom of Hags.
cc: Hags

Caution: Reading blogs may cause projectile vomiting

2006-12-12T22:41:00.002-05:00

So T and I were watching TV last night, and one of those "pharmaceutical" commercials came on (I can't remember exactly what they were pushing a cure for...sorry). I was kidding and said something along the lines of "Using XYZ may cause urinary bleeding, prolonged diarrhea, and erectile dysfunction". T thought that was funny, and added a few of her own. Well, lo-and-behold, at the end of the commercial, the disclaimer began; to my surprise, one of the conditions was "In a few patients, fatal events may occur". FATAL EVENTS??!?!? Um...do you mean "DEATH MAY OCCUR" or "THIS PILL CAN KILL YOU"?? T and I were sitting there joking about the obligatory overly-descriptive disclaimer, and they went and upped the ante on us. Then I started thinking: Why didn't they say "DEATH MAY OCCUR" rather than "FATAL EVENT"? Here's my theory: If we get right down the brass tacks, the reason that they worded it in this manner is to 1)maximize their profits, and 2) decrease their liability. Lessen the liability by stating that their product may cause a "fatal event"...sure, they HAVE to state this BY LAW, that makes senses...but maximize their profits? Well, my theory is that they word it in this manner because at some point, someone will read the disclaimer in it's current form, not fully comprehend the meaning, and proceed with their fatal purchase of XYZ. How could someone not know what a "fatal event" refers to? DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THE IGNORANCE OF THE AVERAGE CITIZEN!!! Sure, you're sitting there reading this right now, college shingle on the wall, feeling pretty good about yourself, but if you think...REALLY think hard...I bet you can remember someone from your past (or your present!) that fits this bill (ex: not-so-bright co-worker, language-challenged neighbor, oft-drunk college buddy, etc, etc). Anyway, the wording for this commercial struck me as disingenuous and purposely veiled AT BEST. The lesson here is "Always read your labels, check your instructions, and report your 14-hour boner to your doctor, you pervert".

Have any old Master Locks lying around?

2006-11-14T14:38:00.000-05:00

I did, and thanks to this little post, I was able to determine the combo (yes, this actually works!!):

How To Crack A Combination Lock - video powered by Metacafe

For those about to rock...

2006-11-06T15:08:00.000-05:00

WE SALUTE YOU!! I'm in a really psyched out, AngusJohnsonScott mood. I don't know what it is, but AC/DC just makes me want to actually slam my head into a wall, but in a really good way, you know (i.e. it gets the ole' blood flowing..knowwhadImeen?)? And I've never been more psyched than this weekend, when I FINALLY bought my new guitars (I haven't decided on their names yet....any ideas??). For those not in the know, I've been playing guitar for the last 7 years, and I've been playing on my starter boxes for this entire time (a Korean-made Fender and a Washburn acoustic/electric). I've wanted to buy 2 new guitars for the longest time, but I kept putting it off. I went back and fourth, for 4 YEARS, trying to save the money, trying to find comparable knock-offs, trying to justify the purchase: I'm sorta going through a finance fanaticism at this point in my life, buckling down, saving for retirement (no, I'm not that old)...and I get serious buyer's remorse when everI buy expensive stuff. I digress...anyway, on a whim, I went to go take a look at some guitars this weekend.

For the longest time, I'd been leaning towards buying a Seagull S6 for an acoustic guitar, and an Agile Gibson rip-off for the electric (and by "the longest time", as I mentioned, I mean "years"). I sat down and played a few of the Seagull S6's and M6's, but found this really sweet Seagull Artist that just sounded so damn nice...for the price, I couldn't resist. As I was ringing up my purchase, I mentioned to the salesguy (a hip Brit named Amos, Ray Mullins Music in Swansea) if he had ever heard of Agile, that they had a good reputation for Korean-made Gibson take-offs, to which he replied "No, but c'mere and check this out". He proceeded to plug in and play this sweet lil' Gibson Studio that sounded so damn big. I took a few minutes to rip on er', and the decision was made on the spot (after conferring with T-Reno and getting a good deal): I would buy both guitars!!! Normally, something this impulsive would send me into fits of guilt, but the pangs have subsided, and I'm totally F'ing pleased with my decisions. Quite frankly, there wasn't much guilt at all, because I waited so damn long for this.....oh yeah, sweet release.

I'm Qualified to Vote!!!

2006-10-31T20:44:00.000-05:00

Are you qualified to vote? I am, so I will (just kidding, in that I was going to vote anyway...disregarding the results of this highly scientific exam):

I'm embarrassed to admit that I got two questions wrong (both for the same person: I guessed the wrong guy, but the right position for the wrong guy...which still equals 2 wrong answers). If you really want to know, I'll tell you which one, but I don't want to ruin it for everyone else (they were the second hardest questions on the test, so I don't feel all that bad...I got the hardest questions correct). It's disconcerting to note that most people can identify the actors, but a large majority of people cannot identify the Speaker of the House, or a Supreme Judge. Now...back to something a little more important....Where did I place my Hot Pocket?? Hello...where are you, you tender pepperoni pastry of the Gods?!? Where the....Ooops...I'm sitting on it.......it's still good....and warm.....mmmm.....good and warm.

What the?? Who the? Why the?

2006-10-31T17:00:00.000-05:00

What is that? That, my friends, is the Chicago Bell, and it tolls for thee. Alert the troops, warn the citizens, batten down the hatches, seal the doors, take your Malox, and follow me...we're headed back. It's been 8 months, my hangover is gone, and I'm ready to give it 'nother go. It reminds me of a Haiku I once wrote about the City of Winds:

Fickle friend, indeed.
Beers one night, headaches the rest.
Et Tu, Chicago?

I'm in TX...surrounded!

2006-10-27T19:38:00.000-05:00

I don't know when it happened...but I'm officially a politics geek. And it's never been more apparent than during my current stay in Texas. At each meal with my coworkers, I find myself biting my tongue during many conversations because of their clear right-wing leanings. Am I surprised? NO...I AM IN TEXAS. What surprises me is my own awareness of the current political environment and the issues. If you had asked me 4 years ago about politics, I would've passed on the convo, babe. But now, I feel so strongly about the issues...what's happening to me? Did I also mention that I yelled at the neighbors' kid a few weeks back for hitting a car with a golf ball? Am I officially an old man, now?

Btw: I had the pleasure of spending the past few days with 2 gentlemen from China, and wow, what a perspective! 1.3 million people in Beijing!!!! We did discuss US politics for a few minutes, and the question that stick with me was "why is the US so aggressive?". I didn't ask him the same question about China...but I thought it was interesting that this was his perception...not that I totally disagree. Anyway....in the airport, bored, tired, frustrated (flight delayed), thumbs tired. I need a new cellphone with a full keyboard and a camera.

Bbtw: I saw the strangest thing yesterday...we were driving back from lunch, and a woman I work with said "do you guys see what I see?" (which was funny, because it sounded like she couldn't believe her eyes). There, riding down the residential neighborhood street, was a bearded older gentlemen riding a unicycle....JUGGLING!!! No circus. No elephants. No parade. Just him...juggling. At which point I said "if I had a dollar for everytime I saw that", maintaining a jovial upbeat appearance....whilst actually thinking "THAT WAS F'ING EERIE!!!". Nightmares, I tells ya...nightmares. Highly unlikely this guy's getting laid, though, right?

WTF?? My format!!!

2006-10-26T08:05:00.000-05:00

Sorry about the formatting...looks like combo of using Google Docs and Blogger screwed up my overall layout. I'll re-work it in the near future, but until then, you'll have to deal.

Update: FIXED

There's TWO "Gaps" on this website: Can you find them?

2006-10-24T19:26:00.000-05:00

2006-10-23T13:05:00.000-05:00

Have you ever wanted to grab someone by their collar, and throttle them? Have you ever gotten off the phone with a co-worker, and screamed from the top of your lungs "FFFFFFUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!"??? Have you ever donned the "1000-mile stare" as you leave a business meeting, impossible to comprehend the incompetence surrounding you? I've worked at technology companies for the last 8 years; this is my life...welcome to flavor-country, friends. Over this period, I've witnessed (or been privy to) an encyclopedic volume of blunders the likes of which no man should have to endure. However, faithful reader (you would need to be faithful to read this...I've been MIA for awhile here) there are things that make all of this worth-while. No, these are not highlights that I recite for you; no, no...these are the funny low-lights that will stick with me forever. Anyone can recite sales victories; it's the warts and moles that legends make. Here's my Top 8 (I'll add 2 more if I can think of them):

8) A Co-worker installing central air-conditioning in his home, and getting reimbursed for it, because a Windows server was making his basement too hot.
7) A client describing his personal, home-based, TERABYTE of porn.
6) Using the phrase "like a red-headed stepchild" to a red-headed co-worker...before noticing said employee had a "red head"....(Ok, I admit, this one was me...I apologized immediately, and she laughed it off)
5) A co-worker consistently using the word "EX-pecially" in front of clients. Yes...all the time.
4) A drunk UK-based co-worker performing a strip tease in front of a company event.
3) A co-worker chewing tobacco during a client meeting (AND spitting in the cup)...classic internet bubble story.
2) Discovery of shared-drive nude photos of a co-worker (placed there by said co-worker for posting to various websites).
1) A VP-maintained, publically accessible porn server, and the accompanying email from concerned parents.

Andy

2006-10-23T12:56:00.000-05:00

This is our dog Andy. His best qualities (not in order):

1) He sits, stays, heels, etc on command
3) He doesn't do his "business" in our house OR in our yard (he goes about behind the back fence)
4) He says "I love you" on command
5) He's very gentle with my daughter
6) He farts whenever he stretches (it's hilarious)
7) He watches TV (he loves Animal Planet)
8) He's a very handsome dog (excellent markings, for a pound dog)
9) He loves to play with anyone (he's loveable with everyone, but especially so with my family)
10) He was FREE (adoption dog)

His worst qualities (not in order, and they're not really that bad)

1) He get up VERY early (5am...he wants his food)
2) He sheds like a maniac
3) He's very big (he weighs 113lbs...not really a negative, in my eyes, but some people are intimidated by him)
4) He loves sleeping with us in our bed...not good, no. Try kicking a 113lb dog out of bed (actually, he does so on command)
5) He farts whenever he stretches (His farts STINK)
6) He can be a bit of a food-whore (He never takes food from the table, but he'll watch for your floor droppings like hawk)

All in all, his best and worst qualities make Andy who he is, and we love him for all his idiosyncracies. Did I mention he was FREE? If you want a dog, think about adopting (we saved Andy from a kill-shelter via an adoption agency).

DRM - This is getting ridiculous!!!

2006-10-18T13:39:00.000-05:00

I've officially been affected by "Digital Rights Management"...the "Man" is coming down on me, and I don't like it one bit. Now, the "Man" is saying that you can't post guitar tabs online. For those that don't know what a "guitar tab" is, here goes: you listen to music, guess what chords and notes are played, write it all down, and post it online. I've used this site for years, and I loved it...it was a major contributor to me learning how to play (bad) guitar. Too bad...I guess it's time to retire to my room, replay the first 5 notes to Stairway, and wait for my RFID chip implant.

Working from Home: Pro or Con?

2006-10-17T14:42:00.000-05:00

Well, it's been a while since I last posted. What can I say? When you work in "The Office of Solitude", you don't really have much to banter about. With that said, here's a somewhat related thread that I ran into. I agree with some of what these people are saying, but at the end of the day, the postives of working from home FAR outweigh the negatives. Hmmm, let's see, according to this forum, the negative are as follows:

SLEEP LATE
WORK LESS
NO PEOPLE TO TALK TO
NO OFFICE TO GO TO

Wait...these are negatives??!?!?? Take it from someone who's worked both angles...nothing is better than working at home. If you have NO willpower what-so-ever when it comes to time management (similiar to how I have no willpower when it comes caramel-covered popcorn w/ cashews), then you probably shouldn't work from home. However, if you have better-than-average time management skills and you can make your deadlines, then this is a no-brainer. I haven't had to sit around the watercooler in almost 5 years...and I don't miss a second of it (the gossipy BS, that it). Sure, I miss going out for a few beers after work and the impromptu hallway meetings where many good ideas are conceived...but, I certainly enjoy working out, not commuting, and saving gas money SO much more. The gas money alone is worth my sanity:

25 miles (to work) x 2 (both ways) = 50 miles per day
Estimated Car consumption = 20 miles per gallon (on a good day, probably more like 16-18)
50 miles/day * 1 gallon/20 miles = 2.5 gallons per day
2.5 gallons/day * $2.10/gallon = $5.25 per day
$5.25 * 245 day (subtracting 3 weeks vacation) = $1286.25/year

OR

Average monthly savings of ~ $107.18, which compounded monthly at 5% over 30 years, totals $89,209.80!!! Just for S&G's, 10% totals $242,279.10!!!!

So yeah, after 30 years, I might not have a horde of work compadres, but I can certainly make a few friends with a big ole' party, right? Now, after all that, ask me if I'm actually saving my gas money :)

BTW: Shout out, Chappy!

Wiffleball

2006-06-09T17:50:00.000-05:00

Open challenge: anytime Squirrelly...anytime. We're waiting.

My White Whale

2006-06-05T11:33:00.000-05:00

We were discussing take-out food preferences this weekend, and the topic of "the best pizza" came up. Out of 10 pizzas from our local shop (10 separate orders), on the average we usually end up receiving 8 mediocre pizzas, 1 soggy POS, and 1 REALLY good pizza (thin crust, cheese slighty browned, perfect texture, etc, etc). My wife would rather go to Betucci's, where the pizza is normally pretty good, but never great. Whereas I'm willing to suffer through all the bad pizza for that one really good pizza. I will note that beer and pizza are 2 foods that I'm willing to concede a wide margin of error to...you can't really screw it up so badly that I won't eat or drink it. I can remember the worst pizza that I ever tasted, and I think I had 3-4 slices. I'm a fighter, baby...a pizza pugilist.

Don't go head-buttin' that umpire, again!

2006-05-24T14:47:00.000-05:00

I once worked with a guy who believed that dinosaurs never existed...and "No", his name was not "Carl Everett". He's a "Fundamentalist Christian", and he believes in the literal interpretation of the Bible. We discussed our religious views over beers one evening, and he tried to sell me on the theory that "dinosaur bones were/are planted by Pro-Evolutionist Scientists & the innaccuracies associated with Carbon-Dating". I'm not going to go into the details of our conversation (or Creationism, Intellectual Design, or Evolution) but I left the restaurant thinking "WTF??!??!?" How could someone as intellectual and personable and likeable believe in something so out of whack from my own beliefs? I guess I was surprised at my own lack of worldliness....that I'm living in my own little reality where everything is what it is: blue is blue, black is black, a duck is a duck. It never even registered on my radar that there could possibly be people in the world that believe in Noah's Ark, or Adam and Eve, or David and Goliath, or the Energizer Bunny, or the Grinch (these are Bible stories, right? Ok, so my agnostic side shows through a bit). These were always parables to me...not based on facts, but something from whichI could possibly learn a lesson from. That's it...that's all. Nothing earth-shattering in this entry....just thought I'd let you know that there are people out there who believe in some shit that might be totally different from your shit, and you'll be like "Holy Shit!!".

Belly of the Beast.

2006-05-23T17:47:00.000-05:00

I'm in NY tonight...during a Red Sox/Yankees game.....I'm in enemy territory here, folks. I'll be infiltrating a bar, and performing some recon (eating, drinking, cheering). GO SOX!!!!

Finally!! My email accounts in one window!

2006-04-14T08:52:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I have 4 email accounts: work, Hotmail, Yahoo, and Gmail. Yes, I use them all:

Work Outlook: I use this account for work-related emails (duh). I never use this account for personal use (and I suggest you do the same with yours...big brother is always watching)
Hotmail: I use this account for registration on low-risk sites (by low-risk, I'm referring to the risk of getting any spam.....phone company, mobile carrier, etc, etc...basically, for any company that I might actually want an occasional spam from)
Yahoo: I use this account for high-risk registration (beta sites, coupons, etc, etc...anything that I know I'll get spammed on)
Gmail: Personal emails between known recipients.

It's taken a while for me to devise a way to access all of these accounts from one page, but here goes:

Pageflakes + BittyBrowser = one stop shopping for all my email accounts!! I used the following URLS for each of the accounts:

Hotmail: http://mobile.msn.com/hm/folder.aspx

Gmail: http://m.gmail.com For some reason, this URL does not work with IE, but DOES play nicely with Firefox (which I use on my personal machine). Because I use IE on my work laptop, I've also included the Gmail Flake that's available with PageFlakes. The screen shot above uses the plain HTML version of Gmail (login to Gmail, switch it over to the basic HTML view, and use that URL), which I don't use anymore.

Yahoo: http://wap.oa.yahoo.com/?dp=mail

Outlook: Open your outlook in a browser. Then determine the URL for the mail frame (easily done with Forefox). Obviously, this URL will be different for every corporation.

Have fun!

"That's a lot of Cereal!!!"

2006-04-04T09:01:00.000-05:00

Do you know how many bowls of your cereal it would take to equal one bowl of "Super Colon Blow"?? Neither do I, but I do have a better sense now that I've started a cleansing diet. After 31 years of desecrating my body, I decided last week that I would do something to flush out the "ole' system". It's been something that I've meant to do for quite awhile, but have never had time/will power to do. Well, about 2 week ago, I was talking to my chiropractor... (SCHREECH!!!!)

No, I'm not one of those tree hugging, all natural, holisitic healing, hippie-types. I have back problems, OK? Doctors couldn't help me, but a chiropractor did. And now I'm telling you about my cleansing diet and you're probably thinking "Oh my...he's one of those weirdos, all right". Nope...just willing to try new things.

...and he told me about this diet and that he felt great after doing it. So investigate the diet, and decided to give it a try. No, the diet does not involve the use of multiple enemas, you sick bastard!! It's basically a 10-day, all liquid diet called the "Master Cleanser". I drink 6-8 glasses of a specially concocted lemonade (freshly squeezed lemon juice, grade B syrup, pinch of cayenne pepper), with a morning quart of salt water (1 quart water, 2 teaspoons seasalt). The lemonade keeps me going all day, and the salt water "flushes me out" every morning.

I'm on day 3 right now, and I feel pretty darn good. I haven't been hungry because the lemonade actually does the trick. Although, T did come home last night and cooked kielbasa and pierogies....and I must admit, there was a moment of weakness when I ALMOST broke (I stared at the pan for what seemed like an eternity...Oh kielbasa!!...Sausage of Kings...and your plump little potato pawns...Why do you tempt me so??). I extricated myself from the kitchen, and drank a little more lemonade. This a truly a test of will power, and I think I can make it.

BTW: I've lost 7 pounds in 2 days.

Chicago update

2006-03-17T17:20:00.000-05:00

Drinking....ate nachos...played pool, lost...beat Harding at darts one game...still going. Haven't really watched any Bball...

Party time

2006-03-17T12:28:00.000-05:00

Let the debauchary begin...Chicago style!!

Meathead!

2006-02-28T15:10:00.000-05:00

I'm in Philly right now, waiting for my flight to board...and guess who just walked by? Rob Reiner. Yes, I'm in the presence of Meathead, people!! He looks much older in person...but it was definately him, cause' the guy next to me said " Yup...that's Rob Reiner". That means that my Hollywood sighting list has a total of 2 people now: RR and Gene Shalot. Sad...so sad.

I'm innocent!!

2006-02-25T19:23:00.000-05:00

It wasn't me!! I swear!! I have an alibi!

"Thieves make off with $26,000 of beer

February 24, 2006

WEST BEND, Wis. --Authorities are hoping to break up what must be quite the party after beer thieves made off with almost $26,000 worth of suds from a delivery truck.

A semi trailer loaded with cans and bottles of Miller beer was stolen from a trucking company in Richfield, according to a Washington County Sheriff's Department report. The trailer was found four days later -- sans beer -- at an Oak Creek trucking firm.

The trailer had been dropped off at the Millis Transfer Co. sometime on Feb. 17 for delivery to a beer distributor in Menomonie, authorities said. Later that night, the trailer was discovered missing.

Company officials didn't report the loss immediately because they thought a driver must have picked up the wrong load.

The sheriff's department is investigating with Oak Creek authorities and Miller officials, said Sheriff's Capt. Dale Schmidt.

The missing product, valued at $25,788, included:

-- 384 24-packs of Miller Genuine Draft cans

-- 560 18-packs of MGD 12-ounce bottles

-- 980 18-packs of MGD 12-ounce cans

-- 40 24-packs of Miller Light 16-ounce plastic bottles"

American Idol: More than 1 set of twins

2006-02-23T14:18:00.000-05:00

Yes, I watch AI...what can I say, it's hilarious. By now, I'm sure a lot of AI fans have heard that Becky and Jessie O'Donahue posed for Maxim a few years back...and they looked pretty damn hot doing it. In any case, these aren't the twins that I'm referring to. It required intense research, and futher scrutiny from a team of genetic scientists, but I believe that I've uncovered 2 other sets of identical twins on American Idol:

Elliott Yamin or Marty Feldman?

Bobby Bennett or Juan Candy?

Ok, the Marty Feldman comparison might be a stretch, but I swear, if you watch Bobby Bennett sing, it's almost like watching a crooning version of John Candy's Latino ghost. T and I were in hysterics watching him last night. I'm not positive, but I think I heard him order "tres Orange Whips" right before one of the last commercial breaks.

On the road again.

2006-02-22T15:50:00.000-05:00

Leaving north Carolina right now. Whoop dee doo

Simpson's did it!

2006-02-16T09:11:00.000-05:00

I saw an episode eerily similar to this on the Simpson's once. Hilarity ensued:

Skinner: Well, I was wrong. The lizards are a godsend.
Lisa: But isn't that a bit short-sighted? What happens when we're overrun by lizards?
Skinner: No problem. We simply release wave after wave of Chinese needle snakes. They'll wipe out the lizards.
Lisa: But aren't the snakes even worse?
Skinner: Yes, but we're prepared for that. We've lined up a fabulous type of gorilla that thrives on snake meat.
Lisa: But then we're stuck with gorillas!
Skinner: No, that's the beautiful part. When wintertime rolls around, the gorillas simply freeze to death.

Alright Aussies...you know what to do...RELEASE THE GORILLAS (or needle snakes, THEN GORILLAS)!!!!!

Free HBO!

2006-02-15T09:41:00.000-05:00

Funny Quote

2006-02-14T13:03:00.000-05:00

Campman had a hilarious quote this afternoon while we were emailing about this little gem (you gotta try to get past level 3 to get the joke):

http://www.winterrowd.com/maze.swf

"Oh yeah, I'm sitting close to the screen thinking, oh I got this bitch...I'm working the scroll button on my mouse to cheat up on the shoot...and BAM out comes the poop"

Guess what I'm eating!!!

2006-02-14T12:29:00.000-05:00

(cue cheesy 70's game show music)

Announcer: Clean out your ears and index your pantry; it's America newest game show!!

(Audience Shouts): GUESS WHAT I'M EATING!!!

Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, let's put our hands together for everybody's favorite host to "Guess What I'm Eating"......The Hag!!!!

The Hag: Welcome back to America's favorite game show, Guess What I'm Eating. I'm your host, The Hag, and we've got a great show for you today. The rules are simple to Guess What I'm Eating: Guess what I'm eating. Is everybody ready? Great...let's begin:

Guess what I'm eating!!

My Olympic Overview

2006-02-14T09:10:00.000-05:00

Bob beat me to the punch on his Olympic observations, but here are a few of my own:

1) Why does figure skating have to be so damn feminine?? It could really be a super-kickass sport if they could integrate more KungFu/Stipper-pole maneuvers into it (the girls are half naked anyway...stop teasing us). I was watching some of the mixed pairs last night, and I said to T, "Why does every outfit have to look like it was borrowed from the NutCracker?". If I was a male figureskater (which I don't see happening in the near future), I would demand that my outfit be one of the following:

Hulk Hogan, full-on 80's regalia.
Frank Drebin, Police Squad (with the requisite Japanese fighting fish attached to my nose)
Carl Spackler, licence to kill gophers.
A feces-throwing monkey. (it doesn't have to be REAL feces.......all of the time)
A stereotypical Italian chef, complete with a big poofy hat, a dirty mustache, and one of those gigantic pizza-oven shovels (they're in Italy, right?).

2) I make a lot of veiled (and not so veiled) sexual references whenever I watch figure skating. T has to be sick of the Olympics by now:

"He's gonna pork her, Dad"
"You are now carrying my child"
"Oh, they're totally 69'ing"
"Uh, Dude...your balls are showing"
"Whoa...he just gave her the Shocker!!"
"I think she just farted"
"Where's his girlfriend or wife to congratulate him?" (sarcastically, whenever a male skater comes off the ice)

3) I've said "US athletes are SO smarmy" at least 50 times thus far. Why? Because it's true, and because I like saying "smarmy" more than "unctuous" (both are fun words). Honestly, I can't stand the smugness of our contenders...to quote from my childhood, "I want to wipe that look right off of their faces".

4) I'm embarrassed to look at Apollo Ohno's face...he's got a landing strip under his chin.

5) I LOVE it when people fall down or crash...if it didn't happen, I wouldn't watch the Winter Olympics at all (I don't watch the Summer Olympics...and that's probably why). I actually root for them to fall...is that wrong??

6) Bob Costas wears a toupee, right? No one's hairline goes back THAT far. I can see the headline now: "Costas straps wig to luge; takes silver medal".

7) Nothing is more pleasing than when a French athlete performs poorly (Actually, French-Canadian failures are cool, too). Aside from the French, does anyone actually root for these guys? Nuf' sed.

8) "...And the Ginger Medal has just been awarded to Shaun White!" Make the evil clown go away, Mommy (Is that Pauly Shore in the background?? I think it is....buuuuudddy!).

Ronald McDevil

2006-02-08T16:41:00.000-05:00

After partaking of a few libations at The Tap on a recent evening, T, Bomber, and I decided to grab a quick late-night snack...this incident will forever be referred to as "The McDonald's Affair". Here is what I ordered for myself:

1 1/4 Pounder with Cheese: 510 calories
1 Large Fry: 520 calories
1 10 piece nugget: 420 calories

Oh, and here is what I ordered, AND ate because Bomber passed out on the couch (I couldn't let it go cold, right??):

1 Large Fry: 520 calories
1 6 piece nugget: 250 calories

Within the span of 10 minutes, I consumed a total of 2220 calories!!!! In retrospect, this was a very unhealthy thing to do, yes? But HOT DAMN, was it tasty!! The fries were all "Yo man...we're hot and salty...you can't say no!!". And the nuggets were all "Mmmm....we're good". And they weren't lying...

The next time I'm hungry after drinking a few brewskies, it's all salad and rice cakes baby. Salad and rice cakes.

Greensleeves Remix - Redux

2006-02-08T16:33:00.000-05:00

Ok, the Greensleeves link actually works now (Openomy's going through some growing pains). In any case, yes, that's me playing the ole' geetar, and yes, I laid down that block-rockin', bass thumpin' beat using Hammerhead. Triple threat, I am not: If you could picture my voice, it would look like an injured dog with one of those lamp-shade thingys on it's head. But the ladys love the Greensleeves...am I right? C'mon T...you love it....right?

Ok....drinkin.

2006-02-03T21:21:00.000-05:00

Bombs is WAY drunk. HTE bought him another beer, and he's teetering.

No pussy weekend!!

2006-02-03T19:59:00.000-05:00

I will not be a pussy when I visit chi in march. I will stay up late, not take naps...this I promise you, faithful reader!!

Bob's bobs on knobs

2006-02-02T15:10:00.000-05:00

My sister-in-law (who from this day forward will be know as Salty N' Sweet...or SnS) purchased me a fantastic Carlton Fisk Red Sox jersey for Christmas at Bob's. Great gift...truly great, except that it was one size too big (XXL??? Hello? I'm big, but not THAT big!). Not a big deal, right?...just make the ole' switch-a-roo. Well, Bob's doesn't make this easy. I've been there 3 times in the past month, and all they ever have is a Dennis Eckersley, Large. Ok, see...I like Ek, right? Great pitcher in his time, but do I want an Ek shirt over a Fisk shirt?? Umm, no...I don't. And can I squish myself into a L?? Sadly, no...I'm a straight-up XL man....I HAVE BIG SHOULDERS, OK??!?

It's an $80 dollar shirt, and it was purchased with a 25% coupon, so the paid price was somewhere near $59...great gift considering that she got me a few other things as well (I was totally psyched). So I thought, "Well, how bout' this...I'll return it with no receipt, get the full 100% sales price of $80 on store credit, and wait until they get some XL's". Guess what...when you don't have a receipt, they'll only give you the lowest recent sales price, which they said was $55. Ok, see this is bullshit. These shirts have NEVER been on sale for $55 dollars since before Christmas, and I know...I've been in there every week since then. In fact, the Large Ek is sitting on the rack with an $80 price tag on it!!!! I'm not a cheap bastard, ok...I like to spend money...can't stop, for that matter...but it's the principle of the thing. What if SnS purchased the shirt for the full price of $80, lost the receipt, and then had to return it because it was too small? She only gets $55 dollars back? And Bob's keeps the $25 as a "Nice Job for Screwing the Customer" award?? I'm not trying to get $25 for free here (I've tried that), all I want is an XL Fisk...but they never have it in stock at the store near me, and if I return it, I'll never be able to get the jersey again without paying a $25 penalty. Not fair, Bob...not fair.

Solution time: my brother picks me up a Fisk XL jersey at a Bob's near his house, I give him the 80 bucks, and I take the XXL back to the Bob's near me to return with the $80 receipt. Nothing wrong here...return the same shirt, only a size bigger, for the price paid, and I keep the XL. This would've work, if HTE hadn't paid for the XL with his Visa. Well shit on a duck!! Bob's only refunds a store credit IF YOU DON'T HAVE THE ORIGINAL VISA CARD!! Oh Bob, you sly bastard!! I will return this shirt, you shifty, faceless wretch. Oh sure, I might waste a full tank of gas and grow a few more grey hairs....but it will be done. Do you hear me, Bob? I'm comin'....and I'm bringing the XXL Fisk and Hell with me!!!! Wolverines!!!!

I will never shop at Bob's...EVER. Maybe these are normal tactics, but they have lost me as a customer forever. Yes, that's right...I'll be purchasing my "Chinos", slacks, and "Members Only" jackets elsewhere from now on, thank you very much!!

Workout Update

2006-02-01T15:17:00.000-05:00

I worked out (i.e. lifted weights) 10 times in January, equaling an average of 2.5 times a week. If I can maintain this rate for the entire year, I'll have worked out ~120 times...more than double the total for last year. Which means that I can eat twice as much, right??

I've also been running and hitting the heavy bag on off days, which I'm not counting. Perhaps I should, no?

I'm telling ya' baby, that's not mine.

2006-01-31T13:15:00.000-05:00

It was early this morning, and I was in the process of putting on my daughter's winter coat. As a T.V. commercial droned on in the background...something I heard made me look up. "Just remove the ring, and you're ready for pleasure". What the?? Is that what I think it is?? It looks like a bong with an extension cord?!? No...that's not a advertisement for a bong....THAT'S AN ADVERTISEMENT FOR A PENIS PUMP!!! Yes, they're advertising these bad-boys on T.V. now. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I yelled to my wife.."T, c'mere! You gotta see this". Low and behold, there on the screen, was an honest to goodness p-pump. My daughter is only 1.75 years old, so she had no idea what we were talking about, but holy crap!...is this where the future of T.V. is headed?? I'm not one for censorship, but can't we save the pump commercials for the soap opera hour?

Long story short: My new penis pump will be here in 4-6 weeks ;)

Adopt or Buy?

2006-01-31T10:54:00.000-05:00

I got into a heated discussion with my brother and sister-in-law on Sunday regarding pure-bred dogs. We were talking about buying dogs, and my thought is that I'd NEVER buy a dog, because there are thousands of abandoned dogs in MA that need a good home. It may take some time to find one that fits your particular requirements, but they are out there. I can see how someone would want a particular dog because of it's breed, size, intelligence, etc...but I don't think that these are requirements that can't be met with an adopted dog. Which leads me to our argument: I believe that money is the major motivation for all dog breeders. HTE&H believe that the majority of breeders do it because "they love the breed/dogs". Their arguments were that:

1) MOST pure-bred breeders are honest about the dogs, and want you to be a responsible dog owner.

2) Dog breeders are selective about who they sell their dogs to, thus self-limiting their market, consequently limiting their income (as opposed to "Puppy Mills", who'll sell to anyone).

3) Dog breeding is not a lucrative business. If a specific breed can only make 4 puppies per year, then depending on breed, they can get somewhere between 2-8k oer year (rough estimate)

4) Money is the not the driving factor for pure-bred breeders.: the love of the dog is the primary motivation.

I obviously agree with #1; most breeders probably wouldn't want to hand their dogs off to a guy wielding a burlap sack and shovel, OK? But it's a seller market!! The abundance of buyers can create the illusion that the breeder is being caring and responsible, but #2 is really just a function of the marketplace. They can afford to be selective because they know that they can always sell their product to responsible, happy customers, and consequently prolong their breeding career by building a good reputation. How many professional breeder have you met that have an overstock of last year's (and the year before's) puppies?? Probably not too many (they can always "get rid" of their merchandise, right). Oh, and since when is 2-8k a year NOT a lucrative little side business? Compound that money over a 20 year period, and you've got yourself a nice little 401k, no?

Which bring us to #4, the point of this post: Is money the driving factor, or is it purely a golden lining to their desire to proliferate a specific breed? I'd agree that most breeders love their breed, but the ability to make money is still truly the deciding factor. Show me that there's a large percentage of dog breeders who love their dogs AND lose money and I'll admit that I'm wrong. Don't misunderstand me, there are probably breeders that do lose money, but all I'm saying is that they are a very small percentage of the overall population. If I wanted to breed Andy (my adopted mutt), I'd be sure to make sure that endeavor wouldn't send me straight to the poor house before doing so...money is always the driving variable in a business-related equation. I digress...We don't have stats and percentages, so nothing is provable...it's all hearsay. If you believe that money is not the driving factor behind dog breeding, then I suggest that you get your rose-colored prescription lenses changed. If they don't make money, they don't breed dogs (unless they're extremely poor business-people). EOS.

Slogan Generator

2006-01-28T09:38:00.000-05:00

I know that I promised that the quality of my blogs was going to get better, but that fact is....I LIED. I've been a user of "StumbleUpon" for ~6-8 months, but I haven't been able to utilze it frequently because it was killing my browser performance. Anyway, I fixed that problem, so I've been able to "stumble" unto some pretty funny sites as of late. I came across this rather humdrum site, but found that it's "funny factor" skyrockets when you enter more "blue" terms (ya think?). I entered "Ma Ballz", and the best that it came up with were:

Ma Ballz Tested, Mother Approved.

and

Biting the Hand that Feeds Ma Ballz.

Anway, it kept me amused for a least 5 minutes. I highly recommend StumbleUpon for wasting time.

My first cellphone post!

2006-01-26T11:31:00.000-05:00

This is my first cellphone post. Now I'm truly mobile! My fingers are killing me, but this pain I endure for you, faithful reader. Who says that these smart keyboards stink? I love it...especially because the major advantage is that my phone is smaller because of it (and because I love the dull throbbing in my knuckles). Please RIM, settle that suit! Don't make me go back to the dreaded Treo!

Time Killers

2006-01-25T10:25:00.000-05:00

This game is a great way to kill time. I also like this one as well. Very addicting, if you're looking to kill some time. What's that?? You don't like racquet sport? Tough.

Greensleeves Remix

2006-01-23T14:44:00.000-05:00

What do you think of this track? Seeing as how the beat for every rap song these days is someone else's hook, I thought I take my best shot at laying down a pretty sweet remix. Oh yeah, this NEEDED to be done. Don't be stealing my hook, either....this is hot off the presses, and I retain all rights.

I'm going mad! January Madness!!

2006-01-20T13:29:00.000-05:00

To those"in the know": March 16th is the first day of March Madness this year. It's a little early (but never too early) to start thinking about the next Chicago trip. Weiner Circle has gone almost 1 year without a visit from the complete gang, I haven't tried to pay for anything with my out-of-state license in awhile, HTE hasn't eaten anything fried since the last trip, and Harding hasn't eaten anything BUT fried foods since the last trip....It's time, my friends. Last year, we flew out on Thursday morning, and by Sunday, I was unpleasantly weary. This year, I propose a Friday morning arrival...On March 17th. What's that, you ask? March 17th??!? Does that ring a bell?? Oh my! That would be St. Patrick's Day, wouldn't it!! Well...SO BE IT!! Clear your calendars, alert your livers, and flush your colons...the dawn of our next debauchery is on the horizon!!!!!

Comments/Thoughts?? HTE? Ball? Harding? Bombs? Galt? Sidearm?

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present...."Skullcrusher".

2006-01-19T12:58:00.000-05:00

This is the only known recorded song of Andy's Red Rocket, and it's called "Skullcrusher", for obvious reasons. That's me playing (horrible) drums, and Hags the Elder on (deathmetal) vocals. We got together to jam awhile back (we both play guitar), and the only song recorded contains no guitar whatsoever. My favorite verse?? Well, I think that would have to be the one that goes "I'm gonna take it down a notch, I'm gonna kick you in the crotch". Andy's Red Rocket will be playing the following upcoming venues:

January 21st, Foxboro MA, Rotary Club- Bridge Night
January 28th, Billerica MA, Knights of Columbus 14th Annual Acne Parade
February 4th, Walpole MA, Schwartzbaum Bar Mitzvah
February 11th, Newark NJ, MTV Sweet Sixteen Party

Ug...I'm spent.

2006-01-19T11:51:00.000-05:00

Blogging is a great way to express myself, but I feel that it's become somewhat of a burden. I've been trying to blog every-other-day or so, and I feel that the quality of my posts has suffered because of it. From now on, I'm only going to post when I feel that it's something worth saying, rather than succumbing to the urge to HAVE to post something, quality be damned. What does that mean? It probably means that the frequency of my posts will go down....but that the quality of my overall posts should get better. Yup...I'm lazy.

Most Fertile Irish-American Male

2006-01-17T20:27:00.000-05:00

That would be me. Also, should we really trust any studies that come from the "Smurfit Institute"? Highly questionable source...the brainiacs over at "Snork Hall at Oxford University" are already combing through the empircal data.

Weekend Wrap-up

2006-01-16T09:54:00.000-05:00

Wrist not broken. Sprained. Feeling better.
Pats lose to Denver. I really don't feel all that bad about it, and that's when you know you're a spoiled football fan.
Horrible head cold (hopefully, this will be the first and last of the season).
Roast Beef, ravioli's, string beans for dinner at M&D's....mmmmm.

Doctor's Visit

2006-01-13T10:33:00.000-05:00

So, I finally went to the doctor yesterday to have my wrist examined...yes, more than 2 weeks later. The whole experience left me in a state of total "THAT'S WHY I HATE GOING TO THE DOCTOR". My appointment was at 11:20 am...I was taken into the back room to see the nurse practitioner at 12 pm. During my stay in the waiting room, I had the pleasure of conversing with an older gentlemen who clearly suffered from Alzheimers. He looked to be in his early-to-mid seventies, and was waiting for his wife, who was in the back having bloodwork done. He repeatedly made the same observations and asked the same questions over and over again, making the duration of my stay in the waiting room very uncomfortable:

(5 times)
Old G: Going to see Doctor F?
The Hag: Yup.
Old G: He's a great doctor. He's tough. He eats rails and shits spikes.

(3 times)
Old G: You gotta get up on the table and dance, move those feet.
The Hag: (to myself): WTF? I have no idea what he's saying.
Old G: You gotta shake the hips for the ladies.
(The receptionist looked my way on the 3rd and final time that he said this, and gave me a funny little smirk that said "You're nice for humoring him" to which I responded with a grimace that said "Like I have a frigging choice")

(3 times...twice to me...once to another guy in the room)
Old G: You see this (pointing to the Bruins logo on his jacket)?
The Hag: Yessir...go Bruins.
Old G: Yup...everyone loves them when they're winning. When the guy comes over to service my boiler, and he sees all the Bruins stuff I got in my basement, I tellim' "Don't touch...Don't want to break your fingers".
The Hag: (fake laughing) Yeah. I bet.

After spending a very awkward 5 minutes with this gentleman, I decided that I needed to extricate myself from the conversation. I executed the very effective "Stare at my cellphone with a very serious face, and pretend to read emails and make fake phonecalls". He got the point, and moved on. I really did feel bad for the guy, but it was one of those situation where I didn't want people to think I was associated with him because he was saying some really screwy stuff.

Outcome: The nurse performed a few preliminary health checks (seeing as how I haven't been in awhile), looked at my wrist, and then referred me to a radiologist for X-rays. I Haven't heard back yet. Oh well.

Ay Caramba! The Bomber strikes again!!

2006-01-12T01:37:00.000-05:00

OK, so here's the deal: I went to the Black Rose tonight with the Bomber for a few drinks. It was "a Guinness Night" (i.e. a Guinness sponsored evening), so we had to register at the "front desk", and sign over our souls. By the time that I had signed in and ordered a beer, all the seats were taken. We ended up sitting next to 2 woman (Jen and Meg), who appeared to be of similiar age to ourselves. I was very cordial with our recent acquaintances, who seemed very cordial in return (we discussed jobs, hobbies, all the related bullcrap, etc). I wish I could say the same for Bombs: 20 minutes into the conversation with Jen, he said something along the lines of "You are useless". Apparently, she had told him that she had a boyfriend, and he responded with the aformentioned statement. For you see, Bombs is very "up front" with females when it comes to their potential "hook-upmanship", and will state his intentions within the first 30 minutes of engagement. I, however, am happily married, and will pretty much talk to anyone about anything.......SO, I ended up listening to these 2 chicks cluck about how my best friend, the Bombs, is a dick. I, of course, stuck up for him by saying "Look...he was honest....he's not wasting your time, right? Get over it!". Needless to say, he owed me mass quantities of beer for having thrust me into said conversation (all I wanted was a few free Guinness...Guinnesses....Guinni). Afterwards, we headed over to "The Tap", where Ultimate Fighting was on "The Big Screen", and all was forgotten. Evan Tanner, you ageless wonder!

Point of Comedic Reference Catalogue

2006-01-10T20:37:00.000-05:00

I headed over to my friend's place yesterday evening to pick up a few borrowed items, and on my way over, I left a voice message for him: "This is Red Dog One. I'm coming to get the Jade Monkey". When he got my message, he asked me, "Do you remember that show?"....to which I replied "Tales of the Golden Monkey...Brass Monkey? No, Gold Monkey...yeah Gold Monkey. Of course I do!". What red-blooded, American male who grew up in the 80's hasn't heard of that show?!? Which brings me to my reason for this post: my friend and I discussed how most of our close friends have a similiar sense of humor, and that the reason for this is because we've seen and enjoyed a lot of the same TV shows, movies, comedians, books, etc. This cumulative library of comedic mishmash, which I'll refer to from this point on as the "Point of Comedic Reference Catalogue"("PCRC"), defines your personal taste in humor. Your PCRC does not necessarily have to be defined by a specific comedic happenstance, either...it's defined by whatever YOU think is hystercially funny. For instance, a midget in a neckbrace, whilst totally unfunny to the midget, is a bellybuster to me. This list will attempt to tackle a small portion of my PCRC (I'll start with some very obvious ones):

The Simpsons (BoBo episode, specifically)
Cheers
Seinfeld
The Far Side
Back to School ("Is she right?" or "Well, Mr. Helper")
Saturday Night Live (with Eddie Murphy and Joe Piscopo)
Road House (Best Swayze flick....yes, better than "To Wong Fu...")
Tombstone (not supposed to be funny....but it kills me)
Police Academy 1 (alright, I probably watched up to 3, but don't tell anyone)
George Carlin (More stuff)
Robin Williams (His standup when he was on coke was the best)
Bill Cosby, Himself (You got the thing with the thing, and the dooohw, you see?....Rudy!)
Phil Hartman (He was hilarious in everything, except for that movie with Sinbad).
Chris Farley
Gilbert Gottfried (Can I please get an egg salad sandwich? Does anyone, aside from HTE, remember that?)
Red Dawn
Easy Money
Revenge of the Nerds I ("Nerds in Paradise" to a MUCH lesser degree)
Monty Python's "Meaning of Life" & "Holy Grail"
Half Baked
PeeWee's Big Adventure
Cheech and Chong's Up in Smoke (The beginning scene where the guy throws the Big Wheel always slayed me).
BeetleJuice ("Nice F'in model!")
Land of the Lost (a well place "Sleestak" comment can go a long way)
You can't do that on Television (Oh, Alistair...will you ever learn?)
Ace Ventura
Thundercats
Minivans with greater than 5 occupants (don't ask, I don't know why, but it's funny to me)
Neckbraces (C'mon...instant laugh getter, right?)
Kneebraces (I have a theory on these, which I may expound upon later)
Midgets (No explanation nesessary)
Midget in a neckbrace (or kneebrace, which I've never actually seen, thankfully...I might possibly die from laughter)

So there's a small glimpse of the foundation of my sense of humor...pretty standard, really. Strangley, one thing that doesn't make me laugh are clowns. Demon bastards.

My recent "Web Awakening"

2006-01-09T10:56:00.000-05:00

For someone who's worked with the internet in a professional capacity for quite awhile now, I've been relatively slow to adopt a lot of the new/cool applications out there:

I've just started blogging this past year.
I've just started utilizing an online photo manager (Flikr, or Yahoo!, if you will).
I've just started customizing my Google and Yahoo homepages this past year (I've also looked into tools like netvibes.com so I'm not locked into one proprietary search tool).
I've just started utilizing del.icio.us this month(social bookmarking).

I guess you could say that I'm way behind the curve, at least in respect to the average 14 year old internet user. It may seem strange as to why I've fallen behind, but there's a perfectly reasonable explanation why I'm a late bloomer: I work with the internet every single waking minute, and can explain to you how each of these sites operate from an architectural perspective (I'm a "big picture" person...I can code here and there, but I'm an architect at heart). I've visited and sold to a large percentage of the online Fortune 500, and I can tell you that I've seen and heard and learned from so many different tech pros about so many "new and improved web apps" that it would make your head spin. Previous to my recent "web awakening", it would come down to the fact that after being immersed in it for every waking minute during the work week, I've wasn't that interested in playing on the web during my free time. I'm still not (except for blogging every now and then). And this is what I've realized...it's not about "playing", it about being more efficient and productive in my own personal life. These tools are great because they make it so I can spend less time on the web (or less time doing the boring, menial tasks that we all hate...how many times have you had to recreate your bookmarks because Windows crashed? How many time have I worried about losing all the photos on my home computer because of a hard drive malfunction?). So, yeah...I WAS slow to adapt to the new web, but now I'm all "c'mere, you beautiful bastard". It's all going to be mobile in a few years anyway, so I might as well get used to it, right?

Am I the only one who was slow on the uptake?

BTW: http://openomy.com/ is a great little app for online file storage (1 gigbyte of free data). Check it out!

Smoked Meats = Lots of work.

2006-01-08T16:42:00.000-05:00

Has anyone else gotten caught up in the "Smokin' my own meat" craze?? My parents recently gave me a smoker as a Christmas gift, and I took the plunge yesterday afternoon by inviting over the family for a smoked-meat-fest. Actually, to be more exact, I took the plunge Friday afternoon (purchasing the meats), a large portion of Friday evening (carefully concocting the correct dry rub and applying it to a 10 lb pork loin and 2 racks of spareribs), and pretty much all day Saturday (preparing the smoker, smoking the meat, glazing it, broiling it, serving, eating it, etc, etc). I never knew how much work is required to smoke your own...it's a process and a half! Not to mention the fact that the first time you do it, it's REALLY hard to trust the process...I found myself lifting the cover every half hour to make sure that there was still smoke, and that the meat was cooking. Anyway, long story short, I cooked it on too high a temperature for too long , and the resulting meat were favorful because of the rubs, but a little tough (i.e overdone). Next time, I'm setting the smoker on LOW LOW and cooking for HOURS AND HOURS. Slow and low, that's what they say.

Aside from that business, I had a great time with C&K&the kids and M&D. M&D stayed for the whole Pats game after dinner, and we had a fun time. I drank a few beers during the game (6-7), and woke up feeling a little "off". Oh well...Viva La Smoker!

Let the Masturbation Jokes begin!!!

2006-01-06T21:17:00.000-05:00

I forgot to mention that when I went skiing last weekend, I fell awkwardly on my wrist. I fell a total of 2 times in 2 days (HTE will say that I fell 4 times, but I discount the 2 where I wasn't actually skiing...I was just standing, and fell over) , which is a pretty good percentage as far as falling goes (~20-25 runs, 3 falls...not bad) However, on the 3rd time, I think I royally screwed up my wrist...which is a horrible percentage for wrist safety. I don't even remember the fall, but I noticed later that night that my left wrist was a little tender. It's been tender all week, but after doing some tri-pulldowns yesterday, I can't even use my left arm. I can't lift anything, open anything, close anything, twist anything; Needless to say, weights, doors, cans, and twist-off beers are my nemesis at this point. Looks like my "every 5 year doctor's visit" is coming a little earlier this decade.

My first Gillette Stadium Excursion - Treo Pics #4

2006-01-05T10:07:00.000-05:00

This is my fourth "Treo Pics" installment. These pics are from my first trip to Gillette Stadium, for the exhibition game against the NY Giants in 05'. First Time???

You: First time to Gillette?
Your stupid friend: But Hags, aren't you a HUGE Pats fan?
The Hag: Yes....Yes, I am. But you see, a long time ago...when the Pats still played at Foxboro Stadium, I went to a 95' Pats vs. Jets game with HTE and Keith. The seating was horrible, and the view was worse. (Sidebar: As bad as the seats were, I did learn a few NFL secrets that day from a choice section of local sports fans, like "Ronnie Lott has a twat" and "Boomer takes it up the bummer"...who knew??) After the game, I declared that "I will NEVER go to another game until they build a new stadium where a man of my stature can fit comfortably". And a new stadium with said seating was constructed, and the ticket prices henceforth sky-rocketed to the moon. Consequently yes, my first time was this time, so back the F off.

It was a Thursday afternoon, and my neighbor called and asked me if I wanted to go to "the game"? He said that a friend couldn't go, and that he had a ticket for me, and asked if I wanted to go. "Uh..hold on...lemme think.....Yes, yes I do!!!!". So I put on my best Red Sox jersey, Sox hat, kissed T and M goodbye, and headed outside. My neighbor's waiting for me in his truck, he looks at me, and he goes "You know...we're going to the Pats, right?". It didn't even dawn on me that he was talking about the Pats when he said "the game"...I just assumed that he meant the Red Sox...that's how far out out my realm of vision that actually attending a Pats game had been. Anyway, I left the Sox jersey on (hey, they were still in it at this point), and I ran in to switch hats. With that done, we headed to the train station, where we picked up his nephews (13 year old twins).

Well, it was a really fun time. Many beers were drank, and that's where it gets a little "blue". A drunk guy behind me ALMOST purposely poured his beer on me (he was being a jerk all game long, and near the end of the game, he said "Watch this" to his friends, and I turned around and caught him right before he was about to do it). I don't think he realized that I was as big as I am, because when I stood up and told him I was going to break his face, he looked a little frightened. Anyway, it was the end of the game, and my neighbor said "Let's get going...". So we left, but not before I yelled down to the jerk that I'd meet him upstairs (I had no intention of fighting this loser in front of my neigher AND HIS YOUNG NEPHEWS, but I just wanted to make this guys last 15 minutes at Gillette a little "frantic"). As we left, I apologized to my neighbor, and explained to his nephews that my reaction was probably not the best way to handle the situation (lie...it was the BEST way, and the only way that I know of) and that fighting is wrong (technically, I didn't fight at all...I just threatened to fight the guy...and if he HAD poured beer on me, it wouldn't have been a fight...it would have been a mauling).

I digress. It was a fun time, except for the end, which I felt really bad about, even though I don't think it was my fault (if I didn't say anything, and he poured his beer on me, and I still didn't do anything...I'd be running this scenario in my head for years to come). Why do stupid a-holes always start with me? I really don't like fighting, and consider myself too intelligent and too old to resort to it...but it's in my nature to never back down. I guess that's something I'll need to work on, huh? Anyway, enjoy the pics!

The Hags' Workout

2006-01-05T09:41:00.000-05:00

I've documented almost every home gym workout since the end of last year. I did a lot of other stuff that was never recorded, including basketball, running, dog walking, etc. However, because I don't carry a notebook everywhere I go, I focused on recording my workouts at home. Last year, Jan-Dec, I worked out 55 times. That works out to ~1 workout per week!!! That is absolutely pathetic, right??!? Looking back, it seems like I worked out SO much more than that, but I can't argue...it's right in front of my face. What's great about doing this is that I date each workout, and I can see where I fell off the table. Consequently, each dropoff and restart corresponds to something screwing up my schedule (good or bad)....trip to Vegas, trip to Chicago, starting a new job, quitting a new job, etc. I would HIGHLY recommend to everyone to document your workouts. It's pretty telling. You might THINK you're going to the gym a lot, but over the course of the year, it's pretty telling. I'm resolving as of right now to workout at least twice a week, upperbody and lowerbody...NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS TO MY CALENDAR!!! I can do that, right? No problem.

Here are my latest upper and lower workouts as of this week. I'm not trying to get big or anything (obvious from the weight used and the # of reps), I just want to stay in shape. I do full upper and lower body workouts on Tuesday and Thursdays (i.e. complete upper on Tues, complete lower on Thurs). I try to take only 1-2 minutes between sets. Comments?

Upper:
Flat Bench - 205x5, 185x9, 165x9, 155x8

Chest Flys - 70x12, 70x12

Shoulder Side Raises - 10x12, 10x12, 10x12

Shrugs - 155x12, 155x12, 135x14, 135x14

Pull Downs - 70x12, 70x12, 70x12

Rows - 70x12, 70x12

Tri-Cable pull downs - 40x12, 40x12, 40x12

Dips - 14, 14

Bi-Curls - 30x12, 30x12, 30x12

Lower:
Squats - 95x12, 95x12, 95x12, 95x12 (I'll try to do more weight here, but my knees are weak)

Lunges - 12, 12, 12, 12

Quad Raises - 45x12, 45x12, 45x12, 45x12

Hammy curls - 45x12, 55x12, 65x12, 75x12

Calf Raises - 135x12, 135x12, 135x12, 135x12

Situps - 12, 12, 12

As I look at this, I realize I should probably alter my weight more, as I'm sure my body is adjusting to these weights. Anyway...this is a good exercise to go through...I'm purposely being more critical of my workouts so I can improve, right?!

Guy wins fake lottery...

2006-01-04T11:36:00.000-05:00

This poor guy. I would cry my eyes out, and then open up a can of serious whoopass if this happened to me.

Skiing again....and I love it.

2006-01-04T09:37:00.000-05:00

I'm back after a brief holiday hiatus, which included a 3 day skiing forray in Vermont (Stratton, to be exact). I haven't skied in ~5 years, but I was happily surprised to discover that I haven't lost "da skilz". Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not exactly an "expert"...I've skied the occasional triple diamond trail and a few "out of bounds" trails in Colorado, but this was done in a very "non-aggressive manner" (i.e. I pizza'd quite a bit of this trails, and left the french fries at home). However, when I hit the slopes this past week, I felt great...my turns were sharp, my legs didn't burn...it was a blast! It made me wonder why I haven't skiied in so long! Anyway, while I was up there, I had a few thoughts:

I love my non-elliptical, circa 94', straight skiis (Fischer Spectras...yes, old and crappy, but I love them) and my crappy KoFlach boots (yes, I've never heard of them before either). They are 195's, and it appears that NO ONE skiis anything larger than 170 these days due to the shaped-ski craze. My brother's rentals were at least 8-10 inches shorter. It's actually pretty cool, cause now I have no problem finding my skiis after lunch...just head for the longest pair on the rack. And my boots have NEVER hurt my feet...why change, right?
NEVER go skiing on a weekend which coincides with school winter vacation. Holy crowded zoo, Batman! I knew it was going to be like this because the main purpose was to get away for the New Years, but criminy, was it packed!!!
Snowboarding...ug, I feel old. Forgive the sub-list, but here are a few casual observations:

Is it impossible to stop without falling down? And why do they feel the need to fall down in the middle of the trail and wait for their buddies? Everytime you go down a trail, there's a pack of boaders' waiting in the middle. I ALWAYS try to stop on the side.
The youngsters really seem to love it. It seems that anyone between 13 and 25 years of age snowboard these days.
Is facial hair a requirement for snowboarding over the age of 18? Every guy snowboarder has a soul patch or a goatee or doesn't shave at all. What's the deal?
Yes, sweet trick...that was a great "rail grind"...now try doing it on skiis, Mr. "SlipKnot is the greatest band ever!".

Skiing is really f'in expensive, huh? The gear, the clothing, the tickets...yikes! No wonder so many people consider it an elitist sport.

Anyway, I had a blast, and I'm really looking forward to going again.

Back to the grind!

2005-12-28T15:40:00.000-05:00

Had a great X-mas with the fam...ate a ton of good food. Nothing much else has happened in the past few days. Here's one of my favorite "WTF" sites. It's childish and crude, but if you watch it twice, I GUARANTEE that you'll be singing "The Dragon does..." for hours.

Ode' to Barry Sobel...

2005-12-22T16:24:00.000-05:00

Here's a little cover that I wrote, which "Andy's Red Rocket" might someday work into their playlist. It's played to the tune of "Hotel California"...chords go along like Bm F# A E, G D Em F#...or something like that. Why this subject...why not?

Hotel Coral Essex

On a bright sunny freeway,
near the Florida shore,
warm sand on the beaches,
Spring Break's in full bore.

Well, we looked in the phone book,
for a nice place to stay.
Gilbert called, and there were rooms to spare,
so Louis showed us the way.

Mirrors on the ceiling,
Fake rocks on the floor.
He screwed* Betty in the Moon Room,
till' she begged for more.

Poindexter on electric,
Booger Presley on Guitar.
Admiral Wormser rockin' on the mic',
with his gay friend Lamar.

Last thing I remember, as they left us on the beach,
student council's gonna vote us out, and Gilbert they'll impeach.
But orge's gonna help us, and Stan will rue the day.
We'll drive our tank into the swimming pool,
and they'll hear us say-hay:

Livin' it up at the Hotel Corral Essex,
what a wretched hole,
it'll stain your soul.

Livin' it up at the Hotel Corral Essex,
what a damn surpise,
Nerds in Paradise....

*Note: Technically, this is from Revenge, not Paradise, AND what Louis did to Betty was technically rape...so you can change "screwed" to "raped" for the "Dope Blue Remix".

Take your IPod and stick it!!

2005-12-22T14:25:00.000-05:00

Ipod made Google's 2005 Zeitgeist list for Top Froogle search term. You know what? Take your frigging Ipod with it's terabyte of data, and shove it up your ass. I am SO sick and tired of hearing about Ipod this and Ipod that and Ipod cradle and Ipod Shuffle and Ipod skins and ITunes and Ipod Nano and "Help, I lost my Ipod on the Redline!". Yes, it's a great product, and yes, it's got a great simple/stupid interface, and yes, it has plenty of storage, and yes, it comes in a myriad of colors to satisfy our occular senses....but for Christ's sake, I'm sick of it. Advertising up the goddamned ying-yang in every medium....please, just stop. We get it...we really do. Everyone complains about gas prices, yet no one seems to make a peep about a $300 walkman...am I going insane here?!!??

This is my dog.

2005-12-21T16:45:00.000-05:00

This is my dog, Andy. He's a big, friendly bastard who loves everyone...and it's obvious. He's been neutered, but his junk won't quit. Go git' em, boy!

Sidenote: He usually doesn't wear that "kerchief" around his neck (I wouldn't degrade him like that). My wife wanted to send this picture (or a similiar facsimile) out as a Christmas card one year, and she didn't see it. I saw it, and I still wanted to send it out as a card.

It's baseball season again...Wait...Is It? Treo Pics #3

2005-12-21T16:20:00.000-05:00

What with all the recent Boston baseball hub-bub, I thought I'd revert back to some baseball related picture from the Ole' Treo 600:

This is a "He doesn't know that I'm taking a picture of him" picture of Chappy at Camden Yards this past summer. We got tickets from G-Dubya (or G-Dub, if you will) to sit in the OWNER'S BOX. Yes, it was as boss as boss can get. I'm not exactly sure what Chappy was thinking at this point in time, but I can tell you what I was thinking..."This is going to be a pretty funny picture of Chappy". It looks like he's trying to blow an invisible trumphet. Shout out to Chappy!

This is Bomber. Bomber drunk. Night-Night, Bomber. Night-Night.

What' up, G-Dub? Peace in da Middle East, Y'all!

Ah yes, Camden yards from the owner's box; it was both a beautiful and tragic day all wrapped into one. It was beautiful because the tickets and accoutrements (beer, food, dessert, etc) were FREE (I ate my weight in burgers that day, my friend)! It was tragic because 1)we had to watch Rafael Palmeiro walk all over the Red Sox, while we all knew that he was a juicer and 2)this experience spoiled us, thus sullying any future baseball excursions.

The warehouse. You know, up close, it looks like, well, a warehouse.

And this little gem, ladies and gentlemen, is Shea Stadium Bask in all it's vastness. I went on a work trip to NYC this past summer (sometime before we went to Camden), met up with G-Dub later that afternoon, and we went to a Mets/Cinn game. I was made *gasp* an honorary Mets fan that day because I cheered along with the locals. It was a fun night. Did you know that you can carry open containers on the train to and from the game? Excellent!

I'd try it...

2005-12-20T10:45:00.000-05:00

Would you try a kangaroo steak? I would...I bet it tastes similiar to deer (which I like). I have friends who are fevently against veal and duck-liver (foie gras, for you uppity types) mainly because of the way these animals are treated prior to slaughter. Yet, they eat steak and chicken on a weekly basis, which seems a little hypocritical to me. I like veal, but I certainly don't need it, but it's not going to go away, so I'll occasionally order it, and it's really, really good. Now foie gras, that's an issue I can take a stand on, because it tastes like shit. Anyway, Australia NEEDS to cull the herd, so I think this is a great idea. While they're at it, I say throw in a few kuala steaks as well...I bet they're REALLY tender.

Bathroom Humor

2005-12-20T09:50:00.000-05:00

It occurred to me the other day as I was walking out of the bathroom at the Fours that there have been some serious upgrades to the standard public restroom in the last five years...and yet I am still not convinced that these changes have made it any less probable that I'll catch something communicable in these places. They have the auto-flush toilet, the auto-soap dispenser, the auto-sink...some places even have the auto-toilet paperthingy coverer (O'Hare has these...they're very impressive). What I don't understand is that whilst many places utilize these new conveniences, 99% of these locales still utilize a "pull" door in order to leave the restroom. So you can go through the whole "bathroom experience" whilst not actually touching anything, but then they still expect you to put your hand on the door on the way out! I ALWAYS wash my hands, but there are plenty of men who do not. I've seen co-workers come out of the stall and walk right out the door, with nary a thought of washing their hands (this is when I worked in an office, mind you). And to worsen the matter, some public restrooms still have actual door knobs on their doors...so that you really work the grime and bacteria of the non-washers directly into your freshly washed hands (Friday the 13th was scary when I was 10....The WeatherLane's bathroom door knobs are what keep me awake at night at 31). Please, for my sake, change all bathroom doors so that they are push instead of pull (or sliding, like in Star Trek)....or at least remove the door knobs and make the door a swinger. I've been reduced to using my shirt (or a paper towel) to leave most restrooms, and I look like such a wuss.

On that note: Has anyone ever gone to use one of those auto-sinks, and felt as foolish as I have when it doesn't turn on, and then you have to resort to doing the "sink dance"?? You sit there for a few seconds, waving your hands like a moron, and yet the sink doesn't turn on. And then you have to switch to another sink, and it does the same thing?? Meanwhile, people are coming and going, not having a problem, and you suddenly look like the "bathroom leper". Yes, that's always me.

Florida Trip

2005-12-15T14:14:00.001-05:00

I got back from Florida late last night, and I had so many thoughts running through my mind (which I shared with T, my wife, after downing about 2000 calories in 5 minutes):

I'm SO sick of U-Ass Airways. They have so many delayed/cancelled flights due to maintenance, it's a wonder they don't go bankrupt (oh, wait...they did). We were stuck on the tarmack for ~1.5 hours because they didn't have gas in their "engine starter machine". Not to mention that I usually end up getting a cold when I fly with them, AND their planes usually smell like fecal matter.
Some people are just so stupid. I HATE when people carry those huge wheeled luggage pieces onto a plane. I was stuck behind no less than 8 people who jammed up the exiting process because they couldn't get their "spruce goose tourister" down from the overhead bin. The only funny thing about this was that SO many people had these, that there was no overhead space left before even 1/2 the plane had boarded. The comedy factor was that I had a cloth computer, so I had the pleasure of sneering at the losers who had to check their baggage on the jetway.
Some people are just too slow. Frail/especially older people should wait until everyone else has exited the plane before they even attempt to unbuckle their seatbelt. Nothing annoys me more than waiting for a 90 year old woman to put her sweater on, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE AISLE, whilst 50 other people wait behind her to exit the plane. THEN she has to go back, get her Reader's Digest, which she'll inevitably drop, pick up, drop again....you get the picture.
Some people are just plain vile. If you're on a packed flight, and you have the gaul to lift a cheek and float the most fowl smelling fumes past other passengers, you don't deserve to fly. I was this close (pinching my fingers very close together...VERY CLOSE) to saying to passengers in front and beside me "Who did it?? Was it you, you swine???!?!?". It was not a pleasant flight home.\
Some people are just plain inconsiderate. There was a woman who was taking very loudly on her cell phone, and it was only 6:30 in the morning. Put away your friggin' squawk box...I don't care about your "big deal coming down the pipeline" or whether or not "consulting will be able to handle the hours"...just shut the hell up! Oh, and while I was waiting in line at security, an older gentleman pushed passed me to get into one of the other lines. I loudly said "Where are you going?", to which he replied "I'm getting in line", to which I replied "Yeah, well, if you didn't notice, we're all in line".......he didn't listen, and proceeded to jump into the next queue (at least I said something).

To sum up: Airlines = unsanitary, People = annoying. When are they going to mass-market the personal jetpack?!?